sexless in the city

My Last Night in the NYC

2007-11-01T11:17:00.000-07:00

It's taken awhile to post this because I haven't had Inet access for awhile. But, my last big night out in NYC was awesome. Tricia, Fifi and I had dinner at Al di La Trattoria in Brooklyn, which was turning people away at 7:45pm. The food was amazing. The hostess even remembered my name as we left. Classy. Afterwards, we had dessert at The Chocolate Room a few blocks away. Fifi had the Oprah approved 7 layer cake, which is perfect since she just anti-blogged Oprah. I had some delicious chocolate pecan tart with the tiniest little apple cobbler and teensy little scoop of heavenly ice cream. Afterwards, Monica, Fifi and I headed to the city to Arthur's Tavern. A little hole in the wall jazz club. It was a blast. It was the exact way I wanted to remember New York. The place where I can do whatever I wanted at anytime of day and have a lot of fun. On that note, this is my last blog on this blog. I've created a new blog "Confessions of a San Ho" which will detail my adventures in the Silicon Valley. You can read about it there.

My Last Day

2007-10-25T18:29:00.000-07:00

Today was my last day at work. I haven't had work to do since last week, so I spent all this week making personal phone calls, IMing, and reading blogs. I went to lunch with my manager and with another UI designer of my selection. Around 3pm, I sent the goodbye email and after a couple of people came to say goodbye, I felt like I was going to cry, so I left. I had planned to go to Soho, but decided I wanted to be alone in my own mind. So I went to MOMA. I had expected to pay $12 with my student ID (yes, I still use it) and found out that SUNY students are free. I went in for free and saw a Luis Bunuel movie for free as well. It was perfect. There was an exhibit on Soviet architecture, which my new future co-worker told me was the influence for my new apartment. There's nothing I love more than spending a day walking around in a museum. I am so glad, I'm within train distance to San Francisco.

Welcome to Heaven

2007-10-24T08:29:00.000-07:00

This weekend while in San Jose, I went to an Oktoberfest in Campbell with my friend. We had a couple of beers. She ran into a friend of a friend who was already drunk. He asked me who I was and I told him I was going to be moving to the SJ area in a few weeks. He said, "You know its like all men here." I said, "I know, I've read that." Being that he was half in the bag, he drunkenly said, "Welcome to heaven." I never pictured heaven to be filled with socially awkward techie nerds, but hey, I'm open-minded.

Anyhow, last night I went out with some peeps to smac. I had a lot of fun. I notice that when I'm out with Fifi, I fondle my breasts in public a lot. She brings that out of me. Its times like last night I see a glimpse of how NYC was supposed to be for me. Cheap fun with good company in a small ass place. Its too bad I didn't meet some of these people early on in my time here, and maybe if I wasn't so depressed, I would have reached out more. Who knows. I don't regret a single second of being here, and if I could go back in time, I probably would do things a little different-moving closer to the city most likely. And after last night, as a group they collectively convinced me to stay for my official last weekend in New York. Why not? I have the rest of my life to be in Cali.

Last Words

2007-10-22T11:10:00.000-07:00

So, my mom's boyfriend told his kids that I was leaving the NYC, and the words of his oldest son, "I wouldn't leave NYC". Well honey, its because you've never been here. And, even if you have been here, you've never lived here. Sweetheart, I know you are accustomed to living the high life in San Bernadino, so rest assured that all the comforts and luxuries you are used to would be stripped away from you when and if you decide to live here. But, seeing as how you've never left San Bernadino County, I highly doubt you will ever live anywhere outside of shithole, california. My last words to people like you: you would not last two months in this city. You would be living in the ghetto side of Brooklyn if you are lucky. So, don't talk shit about me and my decisions to leave the city. We can compare lives in a few years, when you are done with your $10/hour job and I'm betting that you will have never left the boundaries of San Bernadino county.

My very own apartment

2007-10-19T23:36:00.000-07:00

I got up very early this morning in order to start my search for the perfect apartment. I sort of knew that I wanted an apartment with character, not one that was put up in 2006 and was going to be some plastic crackerjack building that will drain the character out of the area. Many of the places I looked at were victorian mansions that had been converted into apartments. I scoped the neighborhood at night when I flew in to be sure that it was safe. I ran every possible address into crimereports, and compared it to the homicide map. Anyhow, I didn't have any criteria really, but I sort of figured I would know it when I saw it. I saw a slew of studios with weird layouts--because when you convert mansion rooms into studios, you get weird combinations, like abnormally skinny kitchens with connecting doors to bathrooms.

Most of what I saw didn't fit me, I had almost given up hope until I met with the last person for the day. The apartment had a living room and a bedroom, and tons of storage and closet space. I haven't had a closet in three years! Its quite spacious, looks to have been built in the 60's so it has personality and plenty of room for guests. The best part is the rent. $1050. Can you believe it? The rental person said she couldn't rent the place for more because everyone was turned off by the fact that there was no washer or dryer on premises. Suckas! Life without a washer/dryer means dropping off laundry so some undocumented worker can fold it. Which is fine with me. Before my time in NYC, it probably would have bothered me too, but I'm so used to not living with a washer/dryer, that I really don't care. Besides, if I wanted to do my own washing, its literally across the street in another building the owner has. So basically my salary has increased by 15k, and my rent only increased by $350. It gets better, my drive to work is exactly 9 minutes and I'm in a safe neighborhood. Downtown San Jose area is also rent stabilized, so my rent won't be going up anytime soon, and when it does, it can only go up a max of 8% a year. My own apartment. No more roommates. At last. Now it won't be long until I have my own house. I can feel it.

Scared Shitless

2007-10-15T19:34:00.000-07:00

I'm scared shitless. I can't lie. Everyday I'm on Craigslist looking for apartments in areas that won't get me murdered. I've been reading the San Jose Crime Blog and cross referencing addresses of potential apartments to this Homicide Crime Map. So far many of the places I thought would be cool to live are like four blocks away from some deadly murder or multiple stabbings. Holy fuck. Is it weird that I live in Brooklyn and feel unsafe moving to suburbia? You should see me walking up and down this neighborhood with my big titties at 10:00 at night. I've never felt unsafe. On top of that, people keep telling me to live in SF and commute for the 1 hour or more to work. I just don't know if I'm ready for that right now. I may decide to do that once I'm there, but I don't think I'll do that during the first year. I'd love to live in SF, but I will move when I'm ready.

Today I got a text from an H.S. friend, today which said, "I hope u find what ur looking for in CA". Me too. I guess I had never thought of it that way. All I know is that I felt that I will never have the kind of life I want in NYC. I can't have roommates at the age of 35. I don't see any bf in sight to move in with me and share rent, and I've never wanted to live with someone before marriage. Don't ask me why, its not religious really, because I will fuck my boyfriends until they are begging me to stop, all while parked in front of an elementary school. But, I digress...NYC is a great place, but it can never be the place that will bring me to a comfortable existence. If I was happier at my current job, I probably would have stayed for another year or so.

On some level, I knew my stay on the east coast would never be permanent. I'm a west coastie on the inside. I guess what I'm looking for is to find myself in a place of contentment. I'm not sure if just being in Cali will do that. I think its the whole picture. I can live alone, I will be working for a great company with a great reputation and the very real possibility of moving up in my position. Things might suck there too, but I will be closer to home and close to very beautiful places such as Napa, SF, Santa Cruz and Monterey. Yeah I'm very nervous and super scared. In some way NYC has instilled that fear in me. But, I lived through it, and I know tons of people who will never live in NYC. But I did. And I got out alive. A bit scarred, but alive.

Abstinence

2007-10-13T15:41:00.001-07:00

It turns out my last weekend in New York isn't really going to be in New York. The new company is going to fly me out next weekend to look for an apartment. They are also sending someone with me to help me, which is so super sweet. Meanwhile, I'm having a bitch of a time selling my shit on craigslist. I need the money so I'm forced to keep slashing my prices which is killing me. Today, I had a mini freakout. I called my friend Kate who relocated to Philly and asked if I was going to make friends. She laughed and promised that I would. I feel so scarred from my experience in New York, that I've almost developed a phobia of new places.

Anyway, I was inspired by an article in Time Out New York to temporarily practice abstinence. It's not even about being jaded its more about just hanging out with me without the complications of another person. My abstinence is more about abstaining from dating in general. I look back at the people I've dated and I see all the mistakes I've made. Its one thing to feel like you respect yourself, but its another to put that into play. Until now I've dated men who clearly didn't respect me, and I see that it was my fault because I didn't feel like I deserved respect. It hurts to have people I love treat me bad. For me love has always hurt. I'm not exactly suffering from domestic abuse or anything, but I have a history of dating men who seemed to enjoy hurting me. I finally see the light. And now I need to change my behavior and that requires some time. alone. which probably won't be a problem because i'll be new in town soon.

Two weeks and counting

2007-10-11T09:54:00.000-07:00

It's absolutely final. I handed my two-week notice in today and my last day will be October 25, 2007. I was surprisingly emotional when I was talking to my manager, I think partly because he seemed so shocked. Of course he had nothing but well wishing and I think he understood that I needed to be elsewhere to get my career needs met. Right now I just have to focus on getting my shit sold on Craigslist.

How Sweet it Was

2007-10-10T21:22:00.001-07:00

My time in New York has come to an end. I was offered a position by the online auction company based out of Silicon Valley, California. Its a tremendous move for my career and I'll be working on some really exciting projects. I plan to be out of NYC by the end of October. I'm getting (way) more money and the ability to afford to live alone. I'm trading in the urban life for a suburban meets urban hybrid. San Francisco is only 34 miles away, and can be reached by train or by car. I'm turning in Pete's Pizza shop for Pizza Hut and Karim's bodega for a 7-11. And such is the trade off for giving up the unaffordable and inconvenient lifestyle.

I really thought I'd be sad about leaving NYC, but surprisingly I'm not. I've enjoyed my time here as much as one could under the circumstances. I've lived as a Brooklynite for a year and I don't regret my time here at all. I do wish I would have met more people that I could included in my friend pile. If I hadn't come to New York, I would never have had the chance to work on a globally recognizable brand. Because of that, it opened a lot of doors for me. I've also worked with some brilliant and patient managers that taught me everything I know, and to which I will always be grateful.

I've already drafted my 2-week notice, but will hand it over formally on Friday. I'm commemorating my last weekend in NYC at SMAC and going to a sexy wine bar. And now I turn a new page in my life...and with that will probably be some aptly named blog that I will try to link to this one...we'll see.

House Cleaning

2007-10-09T13:12:00.000-07:00

You'd be surprised what you will find at the bottom of your drawers, during a house cleaning. I'll tell you what I found: old pictures of me smiling happily in the arms of my ex-boyfriend (Peter), old postcards which proclaimed confessions of love and personal jokes, and hand drawn pictures of me and other objects (Chris). The postcard I found from Peter was dated September 2004. Its been 3 years since he last loved me. When I came across these artifacts I thought about throwing them away. It felt good to be at that place, because part of the reason these objects were hidden, was because I couldn't bear to see me so happy with someone who told me to my face that he didn't love me. Correction: Peter's mom decided he didn't love me, and that I will believe until the day I die.

My have I grown. And though, it hasn't even been two months since the Chris debacle, I was ready to toss out his drawings as well. The situation was painful at first, but once you realize someone was so full of shit, its really hard to maintain any sentimentality toward any of the things he said or did for me. I'm not going to lie, its been slightly difficult for me to deal with the dissolution of our friendship/whatever the fuck it was. There are times when I really miss talking to him, and felt that we were perfect for each other. But, that has all been shaded by the inferior piece of single mom white trash he decided was worth more than me. No matter what, I'm always going to see it that way. He traded me for her, and thought it was worth the risk of losing my friendship and place in his life. And to me, he will remain the biggest idiot I've ever been dated/or whatever the fuck(ed).

Edge: A Review

2007-10-07T20:29:00.000-07:00

I went to see "Edge" a one-woman play about the life of Sylvia Plath starring Angelica Torn. It was a very intimate setting, a black box, I believe they call it. The story is told on the last day of Sylvia's life, the day she commited suicide. Her life story is reenacted for key milestones in her life, such as her near fatal suicide attempt while at Smith College. From all I've read about Sylvia Plath, she appeared to be Bipolar, and Ms. Torn did an exceptional job at conveying that. She would speak in a very matter-of-fact voice and suddenly burst into an angry rage. I found myself tense hanging on every moment almost afraid of another outburst, and somewhat expecting one at any given time. Her tears were just as intense, and at times I found myself so taken with her performance, and so engaged, I thought I was going to cry. Ms. Torn portrayed how I've always envisioned Sylvia Plath to be like, down to the tongue in cheek humor. I found myself wondering what it would have been like to be married to a Bipolar. Like so many brilliant artists, she was an afflicted soul. If she had been alive today, she would have been prescribed Lithium and an arsenal of anti-depressants, which undoubtedly would have inhibited her creativity. Much like the movie Sylvia, the play villianized her husband, Ted Hughes. I've often wondered what his side of the story is. Hers has been told repeatedly and I wonder if its been told fairly. No doubt he was a self-absorbed asshole, but I would still like to hear his side of it.

Mysteries of Friendship

2007-10-02T12:34:00.001-07:00

Let's talk about friends shall we? While I was in the bay area, I met with a friend of mine whose wedding I was in last year. We had a bit of a fallout having to do with my stupid behavior. Nothing huge, but it caused a bit of drama between us. As a result, we haven't really talked since then. Until recently. I wanted to meet with her while I was up in San Jose, because she lives there. We made a plan, and had drinks. It was slightly awkward. We had some things to talk about because it had been a while. I spoke about my interviews and career. She spoke about getting knocked up in a year and wanting to be a mother. Let's put it this way, if this had been a first date, I wouldn't have called back for a second.

Which brings me to another point. I have a friend who has been knocked up twice, is married, and lives in the heart of the South. Yet, I repeatedly call her back for more dates. I can't get enough of her. If we were dating, I'd be jocking her big time. So, I can't really attribute my bad friend-date to "drifting apart". So, I'm left wondering what makes some people friends for the long haul and others not? My friend in the South never calls me. But, I don't mind at all. I have people who call me a friend and never pick up the phone, which is total bullshit. I have friends I rarely call, but when I talk to them its like no time has passed at all. I think it would be fair to say that most of friends are not at all in the same place in their lives as I am, and yet we are still close.

I make very clearly definitions between friendship and acquaintances and I am a believer that one cannot ever truly be friends with their ex. Last night, after going to a gallery opening, I launched into a conversation about my greedy vagina who loves big dicks. Could I really say this to an ex? No. But then again, they already know what my vagina loves...

Knitting in New York

2007-09-30T19:22:00.000-07:00

I flew back into New York this morning at 5:30am. I spent a shitload of money interviewing this weekend. The auction company paid for the first days of things, but I extended my stay in order to add the other two interviews to my schedule. Traveling in and out of new york means that you have to add in the cab fare. From Manhattan to JFK is a $45 regulated fee and typically to my house its about the same. So, I get in at 5:30 am and I don't see any yellow cabs, and I start going out the front door and this man says, do you need a car?
(Car Service) I said yes, and he swept me into his car and after we drove away, he tells me its going to cost $60. Stupid motherfucker. I was so pissed. There wasn't anything I could do at that point. Fuck that shady fucker. He didn't get a fucking tip either. This I wont' miss about New York.

Late in the day, I had a knitting class with someone from Etsy.com. I totally was expecting to see hipster girls at the class. Instead, it was a gay guy and a straight emo-type guy. Surprisingly, the emo guy was very knowledgeable about his knitting craft. I had wondered if he came expecting to see the same hipster girls I expected to see, but I quickly dissolved that thinking as he launched into a serious discussion about the art of Purling and his devotion to watching online videos of knitting. After the knitting class, I got on the train to go home, and this guy who was like 55 was doing Math on the train, probably a math genius of sorts, kept putting his glasses on and staring at me. He started to talk to this kid who looked like he was home from the military or something, and starting singing a rap song he wrote in 1974 (thats what he told us anyway). He looked at me and asked me if I wanted to hear another song of his. Lucky for me it was my stop and I got off. These things I will miss about New York.

Live from San Jose

2007-09-29T11:14:00.000-07:00

I flew into San Jose on Wednesday night around 11:30 pm West coast time. The online auction company paid for my flight, rental car, and hotel room. The next day I interviewed for 5 hours with 6 different managers. I really enjoyed speaking to the people I met, and I'm pretty sure they liked me too. The have a very collaborative environment and their team consists of 140 people. I would be a member of this large team. The environment was very comfortable, and I think my background would be a good fit for what they are trying to accomplish. I'd be very shocked if they didn't make me an offer. Since I was only a Caltrain ride away from SF, I decided to meet with our sister office in SF.

The sister office was a lot smaller and only had a team of two people, me being one of the two. It was also very very adverstisingish. I would be working on designing for pitches and concentrated on bringing in new business. I think it would give me the benefit of moving up quickly, and having a lot more responsibility. The creative recruiter there also confirmed my sneaking suspicion--I'm getting way underpaid. Like at least 5-10k underpaid. Lucky for me I live frugally and didn't really notice. They told me they would contact me if they felt it was a good fit. At the end of the day, I'm not sure if its exactly what I'm looking for. It felt too small for me to really feel comfortable.

While I was in SF, I also interviewed for a major West Coast financial institution based out of SF and had a last minute meeting with the manager. That position was more of a leadership role and offered a lot of possibility of getting more experience in doing very HCI related practices. Task flows, pattern making, and content site structure seemed to be the core activities for that position. As well as leading a design team. Though, the atmosphere was a bit too corporate for my taste, and I didn't feel like I would really be a good fit for them.

Overall, these were all very different positions which offered some unique opportunities. I would prefer to work for the online auction company first but if they don't make me an offer, I would probably transfer to the SF office. I'm slightly irritated that I've been underpaid this whole time and now I feel like I definitely need to leave. I've been trying to picture myself living back on the West Coast, and I admit, I'm a little nervous. Hey, thats what makes life exciting though...right?

Dream like you'll live forever

2007-09-24T18:41:00.000-07:00

I finally got the on-site interview on Thursday with the online auction company based out of San Jose. They got me a hotel room, a rental car and they are paying for my flight. I asked them to extend my flight until Saturday so I can spend an extra day and a half hanging out in that area. A girl who used to be a really good friend lives there, but I don't think we will be friends anymore. Our conversations are lackluster and she doesn't seem concerned about me anymore. I've been thinking a lot about my current situation, and by moving away, I definitely lost a few friends. But, I also kept some and even made some new ones a long the way. I don't have any close friends in NYC right now, and I may not have any in Cali if I do end up moving back, but I'm starting to feel like this is supposed to be part of my journey. Maybe I'm supposed to learn how to rely on myself. I don't know. All I know is that I am not the same person I was a year ago before I moved to New York. I don't think I'll ever be that naive again.

La Familia

2007-09-23T09:32:00.000-07:00

I've come to the conclusion that I have a fucked up family. I know we all do, but I've kind of not really realized just how bad things are. I got an early morning phone call from my mom and her latest status on her on again off again boyfriend. My mom is constantly hanging up on me and I find it difficult to have a conversation with her. Follow that up with a phone call from my dad and his dissertation on women and how he has never apologized to the women he's fucked over. I finally just told my dad today that I hoped that I never ever ended up with someone like him. To that, he laughed and said "I hope not either."

Subway stories and swollen ankles

2007-09-21T19:18:00.000-07:00

"You are in Brooklyn".
Those words are a nightmare for the tourists. I was on a Brooklyn bound train this evening and watched a European couple frantically leaf through their Lonely Planet-NYC book. The were comparing the guidebook with the MTA subway map and clearly it wasn't matching up. They weren't speaking English but it was clear by their expressions that Brooklyn was not where they wanted to be. Finally, a native muttered those four words to them and they promptly exited the subway. Brooklyn is amazing, just today I started an I heart brooklyn group on flickr. But lets face it honey, people don't come all the way to the NYC to go to Brooklyn. It doesn't help that all the rappers with street cred come from Brooklyn, or that in every show revolving around NYC paints Brooklyn in a shady light. Turn off your tv!

Meanwhile...I left work early yesterday because I was feeling ill. I woke up today and my ankle was swollen and I could barely walk. While in Boston, I wore some shoes that cut into the back of my heel and apparently it got infected and swelled up my whole ankle. "The stars aligned for you to have bad luck" is what my doctor said today about it. I have had the strangest ailments since I've lived here--I'm not even going to get into the time the doctors thought I had herpes in my eyes (I didn't of course). But I blame my ailments on mass transit, and sharing my life with like 3 million people.

Emotional Detox

2007-09-19T18:56:00.000-07:00

I saw a girl crying on the subway today. Black eyeliner was smeared all over her face. She covered her face as she began to cry again. It didn't matter, because you could still hear her sniffles. Everyone around her was trying not to notice. I couldn't take my eyes off her. I found myself hoping she was crying over a guy and not something more serious. You can't hide your shame on the subway.

I had a major breakthrough in therapy today. I feel as if I'm purging myself of all the emotional bullshit that has been clogging my mind for probably 20 years. At work I am constantly told by my bosses that I have really high expectations of myself and that has mostly to do with my dad making me feel like I'm not good enough. Of course that carries over to my relationships with men. In every relationship I have done so much and given so much of myself. In my situation with Chris I gave all of myself to him emotionally and physically. I did things with him physically that I've never done with anyone else and would never let anyone else do to me. Only to be dropped for a stupid girl. And I'm left feeling used. I've allowed this to happen countless times, all because I've never felt good enough. I think I need to use this time to really learn how to rely on myself. I'm used to making emotional deposits into other people but not myself. Its me time.

In terms of my career, I'm still not happy with the way things are going at my current job and I'm going to speak to my manager tomorrow about it. I don't feel like I'm moving forward at all and quite frankly, like no one cares about me. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, but don't they know who I am? I feel like I have to keep reminding myself of where I came from to keep myself sane.

P.S. this blog has been a therapeutic tool for me, so I apologize for its serious tone right now and that I'm not making you laugh. Unless you are laughing at my misery, which kinda makes you an asshole.

The Battle

2007-09-18T07:59:00.000-07:00

I had made a personal promise to myself to not blog while depressed. After giving it some thought, I decided that I would be doing myself a disservice. This blog was created as a documentation of my experiences while living in New York and that includes all my activities, thoughts, feelings, and reflections on the entire experience. After returning from Boston, I thought I would feel some sense of happiness or some feeling of thank goodness I'm home. No such thing. I felt an immediate sense of oppression and just an overarching feeling of melancholy.

I realize that I'm depressed because I am usually pretty good at going to the gym, but I just can't bring myself to do anything that requires me to be outside my room right now. I now understand how depression just feeds the bad behavior. I also know that to get through that I have to force myself. It feels like a vicious cycle. I'm trying a different strategy, I brought my gym clothes to work and decided that I would try going to the gym afterwards so I wouldn't really feel like I'm leaving my house, I'd be leaving my work. I know it sounds stupid, but at this point I'm really trying to dig myself out of this abyss. I am so tired of feeling so sad and so unhappy all the time and I don't want to just go out and spend money because that will just make me go broke. I can't take a trip every weekend.

Its really hard to try to keep up the facade that I live in this great city but really I just want to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge. Okay, not funny. I'm trying though, I really am. I'm trying to do what I can to not feel this way anymore.

A weekend in Massachusetts

2007-09-16T20:23:00.000-07:00

A weekend in Massachusetts is exactly what I needed. We got into Boston around midnight and went straight to bed (sleeping bags on the floor). On Saturday we didn't go to Maine, because it was a four hour trip, but instead went to Topsfield-a suburb of Boston. Jesse, the guy we were staying with has a mother who reads Tarot Cards. Naturally, on the cusp of a large life decision and so close to Salem, I thought I would go ahead and let her read mine. She revealed some very interesting things. She told me that I have a major shake up in my life coming. Its going to change everything for me, and its going to take a lot of hard work to rebuild my life after this shake up. She told me that I have to know that I have the tools and the ability to do "this". She also said it is key for me to have confidence in myself and to remind myself that I can do it. She said that it is a very positive thing and that it may be hard at first to see the silver lining but its there. She also said that I may feel comfortable in my current situation but that this change is necessary and it is career related. I told her that I was sort of on the brink of a major decision in my life about where to live and she said that she feels that whatever this is would happen regardless. I also asked a silent question which I didn't say out loud--"Will I get married?" Though, she didn't hear the question, she told me that the cards say "probably yes". The answer is most likely yes, but that I have a lot of internal stuff I have to work out right now. She said that right now its me time. It was a surprisingly emotional experience and though I don't normally believe in that kind of stuff, it seemed pretty right on.

After the reading, we went on a sailboat and sailed in Manchester-by-the-Sea a very exclusive area in Mass. It was amazing. Sailing is a lot of work and a lot of fun. After our sailing adventure, we had a bowl of clam chowder and fried clams. We went back to the house afterwards and went right to bed. Sailing is exhaustive! On Sunday, we had a late breakfast and went into the Quincy market and walked around the North End of Boston. We were only there for about an hour, and I didn't get to make out with a red-haired Irish boy. I'll get to that next time.

Weekend in Boston and Maine

2007-09-14T08:37:00.000-07:00

Today a couple of girls and I are off to Boston via the Fungwah Bus. $15 each way, who can complain? So, we will get there around midnight and stay with a friend of a friend. Saturday we are heading over to Maine to go peach picking and going to some other friend of a friend's party. Sunday, we come back to Boston and eat fried clams until we board the Fungwah Bus back home. It should be a blast. I feel like I'm living the life of a jet-setting east coaster--actually its more like a bus-riding Brooklynite I guess.

So, the phone interview with the auction company based out of San Jose went well. So well in fact that they want me to interview in person, so they are going to fly me out to San Ho for a round of interviews. I'm still struggling with the East vs West living situation. San Ho is a bit suburban if I recall. Beautiful, but suburban. I've kind of gotten used to the city...but, I'm not one to pass up a great opportunity, so I'm being open-minded.

Heads or Tails

2007-09-12T19:38:00.000-07:00

So its come to this. Every day I can't decide whether to stay or to leave NYC. It's quite annoying. I don't know if 1 year is enough to really feel its time to leave. My recruiter informed me today that I will be speaking to the SF office about the open position. On top of that, I have a phone interview with an online auction company based out of San Jose. Yes, that one. Yet, I hear that little voice inside that tells me that I should stay a little longer. Either way, I think my life will be fine. I don't think either of these decisions will make or break anything. Clearly, if there is a better opportunity in SF I think I should take it. But, I'm not completely sure that the transfer will be a better opportunity, it will be an even trade I think. My pay will stay the same as will my rank. In order to settle the indecisiveness I've decided to flip a coin. Heads I stay, Tails I go. I'll leave it completely to fate. I'm going to do the flip once I feel that the decision needs to be made. I'll let you know the results. Whatever will be will be.

Friday Night at the Whitney, and Obsessed Girls

2007-09-08T06:07:00.000-07:00

Last night I decided to go to the Whitney for the "Pay as you wish night". I went with a meetup group. The main attraction was entitled the Psychedelic Era. I have to admit that I wasn't a fan. The lighting and the movies gave me a headache. I did however, enjoy some of the other work that I saw. Paul Cadmus's Sailors and Floozies, Louis Gugliemie's Terror in Brooklyn and Henry Koerner's Mirror of Life. My favorite was Edward Hopper's A Woman in the Sun. It was a painting of a nude woman smoking a cigarette and looking beyond. When I looked at it, I felt like I understood everything she was feeling. The vacancy in her eyes and the nakedness of her emotions. Afterwards, I met up with some of the other meetup people and we went to Dallas BBQ--wasn't a fan. But, I did have interesting conversation.

Now, onto girls obsessed with me. Let me take you back to the first year of grad school. I became friends with a Jersey girl. Because I didn't know anyone else, she seemed to really take to me. And after awhile, she really annoyed me. Much like the jewwannabe. Well, I started to sort of get the impression she was into me, even though she had a boyfriend. She had a history of being a lesbian and had lived with a girl in Hawaii. Long story short, I handled her the way I do with people I don't like. I stopped talking to her. And moved on with my life. Well, she didn't. She tried talking to me at school, and I wasn't interested. Then, after awhile she got the hint. After a few months, she posted a myspace blog basically talking about how much she missed me and cried every night because of our lost friendship. I laughed to myself. Today, I got an email from someone who knows her about her new myspace blog:

D" - I DELETED MY ENTRY ABOUT THIS B*TCH I HAD MET AND WAS CLOSE TO THE BEGINNING OF MY GRAD. SCHOOL YEAR. ANYWAYS, SHE STOPPED TALKING TO ME AND IT HAD HURT ME CAUSE I DIDNT KNOW WHAT I DID WRONG. UNTIL A YEAR LATER I HEARD VIA OLD PALS THAT SHE IN FACT "FELL" FOR ME AND THAT I DIDNT REACT TO HER FEELINGS, WELL DUH. TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT... I FOUND OUT THAT SHE WAS PASSING ON ALL MY PRIVATE INFO AND LIES TO ANYONE THAT LISTEND AND FRANKLY I HOPE TO NEVER HEAR FROM HER AGAIN.

Let me remind you that this all happened like 2 years ago. This blog was posted recently. Not only that, I would never ever have been interested in her for two reasons: I'm not into girls, and if I was, I wouldn't be into her. And, anyone who knows me knows that I don't spread lies, nor did I ever talk to anyone in that program--they were all fuckups. Anything I have to say, I'd say to your face. The only reason I didn't say anything to her is because what do you say to someone you don't like. "Sorry, its not going to work out". It's awkward. So go ahead honey, blame me for your problems and unhappiness. I'm used to it. People are so fucking weird. Its hard being the D sometimes...girls fall in love. I'm really tempted to send her the link to this blog. So all her questions will be answered. What a cunt.

How am I supposed to be positive when I don't see shit positive

2007-09-07T11:21:00.000-07:00

No truer words have been spoken. Thank you Eminem. I had the urge yesterday to run into a field and scream until I couldn't scream anymore. I realize that its absurd that I can be so unhappy. To tell you the truth, I'm not really sure why I'm so unhappy. The architecture of my life is great. I have a career and I live in one of the most amazing cities in the world. Yet, I'm not happy. Not at all. In fact I'm frustrated and completely alone. I know there are others out there who have so much to truly be unhappy about, and I realize that my whining doesn't change anything except piss the few readers I have off. Something has to change, or maybe I do.

New York is Taxi Free!

2007-09-05T07:20:00.000-07:00

For the first time ever, I think I heard the birds chirping on Park Avenue. The streets were fairly empty and for a second I forgot I lived in New York. Until I had to sidestep some dog poo. No noisy taxis honking their damned horns at pedestrians, and no crazy drivers trying to run me over. It's heavenly outside. I can count how many times I've taken a taxi on one hand, so I don't care if they are on strike. Take mass transit or walk. I also think its stupid that they are going on strike over GPS and installing credit card machines. Every other major city has credit card fueled taxis, so lets step it up.

So, I had my first phone interview since I've been employed yesterday. Yesterday's hits and today's favorites was playing in the background because I couldn't find a quiet place to conduct the interview. Let's just say I don't think it went well. He asked me some really detailed questions about my role as an ID. I was sort of taken off guard. He also seemed slightly disinterested in me near the end of the interview. So, I chalked it up to a loss. I had assumed the interview was a result of that girl passing my resume to her recruiter, but after a brief thank you email, she emailed me back saying she didn't pass my resume through. That bitch. So, it looks like I got the interview on my own. Quite frankly, I realized that I was a bit out of my league anyways. It was my dream job at my dream company, but I'm sure in a couple of more years I'll be ready. So, after the interview, I emailed my recruiter to find out about the SF position. She told me that she "made contact" and asked for an updated resume. Hopefully it won't be long til I'm out this bitch.

The LES

2007-09-03T19:06:00.000-07:00

I decided that I didn't want to stay at home on Labor Day, so I gave Fifi a ring. We had ice cream at the Brooklyn Ice Cream Factory, the best ice cream in New York. Afterwards we walked over the Brooklyn Bridge. From there we took a short break and walked over to the Lower Eastside. The LES is everything you'd expect from New York City. The smell of Dominican food wafted through the air. Trendy bars and graffitied walls shared the same space. There was Spanish music playing and there was Puerto Ricans and Dominicans hanging outside amongst the hipsters and lesbians. It was so overwhelming. It was the New York of my imagination. After walking forever, we found a Dominican restaurant and had a really awesome meal. I was exhausted by the time I got home. Ah New York, you still amaze me.

The list

2007-09-02T16:45:00.000-07:00

Today I took a stroll down to Barnes and Noble in Union Square. Slightly embarrassed, I picked up the "He's Just Not That Into You" book. B has recommended this book to me before, but I had always declined because I felt that I can tell when men aren't into me. In light of the recent situation with Chris, I realized that I couldn't be more wrong. I took the book into a secluded area and sat on the floor and read through it. I was delighted to see that the book is completely inline with my new philosophy on dating and men. I loved it. B, you were so right! I saw all the issues I had been facing with men and all the stupid excuses I had made for them. I marched out of that bookstore absolutely ecstatic.

Every time I've been hurt I've always dealt with it by crying and questioning myself and what I did wrong. As a result of the whole Chris mess I see everything differently. I don't regret too much I've done in my life. But, I do take responsibility for things when I know I was at fault. I'm guilty of doing everything I can to please a man, even when its clear they aren't doing a thing to please me. I realize now that none of the guys that I loved ever loved me. No one has ever stepped up to the plate for me or done anything for me at all. I understand now that deep down inside I didn't think I was worth stepping up for. But that has all changed. I do think I'm worth something now and I'm not going to let anyone treat me with anything less than what I want. I refuse to be the person who gets hurt over and over. I think its the first step toward understanding myself and relationships.

So, I'm publicly listing my new standards for dating men, as the book suggests:

I will only date men who are professionals or have at least the same amount of education as me

As soon as I feel that someone I am dating is not working to keep the relationship alive, I will let it go and move on

I will not stay in a situation that doesn't make me happy

I will not try to convince a guy of my worth, if he doesn't see it that is his problem not mine

P.S. Shawn, you have to read that book. It seems so stupid, but its right on. I think you can benefit enormously from it.

Friday Night

2007-09-01T06:01:00.000-07:00

After work last night, I talked to one of my most recently married friends and she told me that her and her husband are trying to have a baby. I seriously think I am going to be everyone's single friend. How the fuck did that happen? It sucks because it seems like some people meet someone and then its all over, they get married they have kids and their life is set. Then there's me. Constantly getting scumbagged. Constantly single. At least my eharmony matches are getting better. The guys are still short--5'9ish, but better looking and a bit more interesting. But, I might have shared with you my new philosophy--I'm not doing a fucking thing for any guy anymore. So this includes the eharmony set as well. I'm not contacting anyone. If they want me they can come get me.

Anyhow,last night I met with a girl who is also from my hometown, but like me she left and now lives in Brooklyn. We went to the Upright Citizens Brigade, an improv/sketch comedy space. It was really funny and for only $8. I think I may go to MOMA or the Guggenheim today (alone). That's okay though museuems alone are fine.

P.S. One of the girls I was with last night saw Big from SATC in Soho. She said she spotted him and he made eye contact with her. She also said he's really good looking and doesn't look quite as thrashed as he appears on TV lately. So lucky. I want to lock eyes with Big.

Rambles

2007-08-31T11:42:00.000-07:00

I went to see Shakespeare in the Park last night at Central Park. It was pretty good. I saw some random famous people whose names I don't know. I'm finding that every moment that I'm not spending with a friend or pseudo acquaintance throws me into a whirlwind of loneliness. I just don't feel like I can be alone right now and its very difficult because I don't really have any friends here. I mean last night was a perfect example of why I don't do things in the city. I left Central Park around 10:45 and didn't get into my house until 1:00 am. I'm trying to fill up my weekend with people so that I'm not stuck alone. My daily multiple conversations with Chris had taken away the loneliness I was feeling when I moved here, and now its all back. I feel like I lost a close friend, but at the same time it makes me sick because I feel like he scumbagged me and that's not what friends do to each other. I'm waiting for something in my life to change, and maybe it will. I have a phone interview with a huge company that may or may not be your email provider. The office is in Santa Monica, they asked me if I was flexible to leave New York as soon as possible, and I said that I was. "I have no commitments in New York" was my answer. We'll see what happens I guess. I just wish I could be in a better mood.

The Life

2007-08-30T07:19:00.000-07:00

So, I got a new set of eharmony matches today and someone who wants to "communicate" with me. Excitedly, I opened my inbox thinking today will be better than yesterday's Ralphs and Genes. No, in fact today was worse. Way worse. My inbox was filled with matches who ranged in height from shorter than me to men who were really fat. If I might be so bold to say, uglies. I have come to the conclusion that I am too attractive for eharmony.com. I know you are thinking, "just filter those short guys out" well thanks to the brilliant patented proprietary algorithm I cannot. Because according to the fucking CEO, personality characteristics are more important than appearance. So they do not make a functionality to sort through appearance. So now I have to deal with the fatties in my inbox.

Not only is eharmony full of shit, but they have a horrible horrible user experience. I can barely find my way around the site. I'm afraid if I click something its going to send a message to one of the uglies in my inbox. I don't like to critique sites very often, but for a site like theirs, they need to step it up. So, that being said, I'm going to finish up the month with eharmony and forget about internet dating. It's all bullshit. And no, I will not be doing hotornot.com because I'm not in high school. No, I'm going to have to meet guys the old-fashion way-by going out and having random sex with people.

So, yesterday a girl from my grad program sent me an email saying that her company is hiring, and that I may be able to negotiate a salary from 80-100k. This company is based in Socal. It's weird, because just yesterday I was thinking maybe I would stay in New York and give this place another chance. I just joined a co-workers book club as of yesterday and now I'm planning a trip to Boston next weekend. Aside from that, I am still waiting to hear back from my recruiter about the transfer opportunity that opened up in SF. So as it stands, I have no idea what my future holds for me. If the SF transfer goes through, I will probably be out of NYC in a month. For the first time in a long time, I don't care where I end up. LA, SF, or staying in NYC. Either of those places are fine with me. I have no commitments and every day I'm thankful I didn't stay in my hometown--because I would never have the opportunities I have now.

A fool no more

2007-08-29T07:19:00.001-07:00

So, it took a few days to post the latest and final installment of the mini-series that was Chris and I. I ended up calling him Monday to find out that his tone and mannerisms were all different. He finally admit to me that he was going to pursue a "strong connection" with a girl from high school, and did I remember her he asked. Well yes Chris, I do in fact remember her. I remember her being dorky looking and slightly dumpy. I cannot imagine that 10 years later and a 10 year old daughter later that life has been kind to her looks and I'm quite sure her career is secure at some administrative job or burger king management. So, once again, I have been "left" for someone waaay less than me.

The next day I had a therapy session and my therapist laid it all out for me. She told me that men like him who haven't accomplished what I have in my life will always seek to be with women they can feel like a man to. She said he wasn't strong enough to have someone like me. My accomplishments will always overshadow his. She also said that he will most likely seek women who are unattractive because his wife cheated on him. She said that he may not even realize these things but that he just feels different with lesser girls. So that's the end of the saga. It turns out I can't compete with a dumpy single mom with no career. Her advice to me: only date men with the same professional and educational status and once they stop trying to make it work, abandon them. She also said to take men at face value. If they say "I dont ever want to get married" then say goodbye. And though this sounds like common sense, these simple words have dramatically changed the way I look at dating now.

So, I've decided to handle this situation differently. I will not sulk or mope. I can't. I'm not going to feel bad that I'm a youngish smart professional with great tits. Instead, I've decided to date. And date a lot. Nothing serious, but I think I just need an injection of reality. The reality that there are smart and driven men out there. Still scumbags I'm sure. So, last night I signed up for e-Harmony. And I was hopeful.

Until I saw my matches. 8 people were matched to me. All dorks. The lot of them. One was 5'5''. I don't do guys under 6'0. One of them was 36. Come on NYC, you gotta have more than this. None of them were attractive. Many of them had really lame names like "Spencer, Gene and Ralph". Ralph was from Staten Island. I don't do Staten Island. I know I sound picky for someone who has dated scumbags, but shit, I'm paying 60 dollars for this shit, get it right. I was hoping to sort of hang out with someone this weekend, but judging from what I saw, I don't think so.

Lonely in the City

2007-08-27T05:45:00.000-07:00

I'm back to being extremely lonely again. For the first three months here, I was constantly feeling lonely, but with Chris's phonecalls and IM's I forgot that I was sad before I met him. And now I'm sad again. I think New York will be the place that broke my heart. I had my heart broken here, and the place itself broke my heart. NYC didn't live up to my expectations and let me down repeatedly. And this week 2 out of the 3 people I know are leaving NYC permanently. I'm going to be on my own completely. I feel like shit. I decided to start writing "memoirs" about my twenties. I'm nearing my thirties and I feel as if I should reflect on the golden years of my twenties. These will be handwritten I think.

The Great Deletion

2007-08-26T12:55:00.000-07:00

After some discussions with my dad-alpha male, I've come to see the truth. The truth being that Chris is not willing to give me anything. He's made no efforts aside from calling me and IMing me. I've put my all into this and once again I get nothing in return. The new realization that I had from my conversation with my dad is that men need rules and that I should have been the one to lay the groundwork for the relationship. I didn't do that. Instead he set the rules and I was abiding by them. He will never agree to commit to me, and with that realization I decided to delete him completely from my life. Deleted him from my phone, from my myspace, from my netflix which I had given him my login and password so he can use my Video on Demand hours, and finally from my Flickr. Needless to say, I'm extremely distraught and very depressed over this. I just don't think it will ever happen for me. I keep getting my heart broken. I feel humiliated. I let one more guy make an ass out of me. A really close friend told me that i shouldn't feel that way because I had to take the risk to see if it was worth something. I know I should see it that way. I'm just tired of being screwed over so many times.

Reality

2007-08-24T18:37:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I'm off my euphoric high. I was gliding through the week happy with my new liberated status and confident that things with Chris would work themselves out. Well that all died today. Today it all came crashing down into feelings of solitude and a tinge of sadness. I miss that guy. I miss his jokes, and his points of view. I miss the fact that he was the only person besides my creative director who knew what I did for a living. I mean really understood what I did. Not in the fuzzy generic "she does web design" sort of way. I really love that kid. Its so disappointing that we live across the country from each other. I've been watching all of the Sex and the City episodes, and I feel like every episode is my life--I mean minus the friends and Manhattan social life and good salary. Carrie's relationship with Big mirrors this Chris situation.

Breathing Again

2007-08-21T08:58:00.000-07:00

Day 2 of not speaking with Chris. It's difficult in some ways, but in other ways its great. I would have dreams of him hooking up with other girls in front of me, probably some subconscious thought of how he dates girls while I looked on. I also worried that every time he wasn't on the phone with me he was out dating some other girl. It was exhausting really. Worrying like that. It feels good to not worry and it feels good to know that I finally had the strength to come to a decision. The timing is bad and I hate using that phrase because I never thought it was relevant to me. In this case it is. I love Chris for all that he is, but right now we are not in agreement and no one will win. And so now I just keep breathing and focusing on getting the hell out of NYC. And maybe going to Prague in December. Maybe.

In my Life

2007-08-20T20:40:00.000-07:00

Life is rather interesting, and there's nothing like a love letdown to remind you of all the crazy little things life has brought to us unexpectedly. I have no idea what to expect anymore. I have a history of dating scumbags. I have dated some of the meanest raging assholes in all of California. Some of the things they have said to me I couldn't even bring myself to repeat. Even today when I think about it sometimes I still feel a little hurt. Two of these mean scumbags whom I never thought cared about me have both apologized to me since then. Both have expressed extreme regret for things they did to me and with nothing to gain because both are in serious relationships with other people. That was unexpected. Also unexpected is the fact that I have not heard from my ex in almost 2 years, though I thought what we had was real love. So at this point I don't really have any expectations for anything anymore. Incidentally, I was watching the Wonder Years and heard this song from John Lennon. I felt it was apropos.

In My Life
There are places I'll remember
All my life, though some have changed
Some forever, not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places had their moments
With lovers and friends, I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life, I've loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life, I'll love you more

Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life, I'll love you more

Life and Beyond

2007-08-20T08:33:00.000-07:00

I officially decided to stop talking to Chris yesterday. Though he is technically single, sometime between the first time we kissed 8 months ago and today I fell in love with him. I can no longer deny that. When I was home recently, he was singing his heart out to Candlebox and it was then that I knew for sure that I was in love with him. I have told him this, he knows, I know. However, he refuses to be in a long distance relationship with anyone and is dating when the opportunities present themselves. It seems every week he's calling me telling me about a new girl (of course I know them all because I live in smallest town ever) he's going to hang out with. Now, last week I unearthed a bit of information from him. He's not just hanging out with them, but he's rather "seeing if there is potential". So he's dating basically. Just on the heels of the most wonderful week together.

I finally just had it. No blow ups, just tears. But, I came to a stark realization that him seeing other girls, lesser girls is just too much to ask of someone who is in love with you. I know he's single, he's free to do whatever, but I can't take it anymore. So, I told him, we need to stop talking for awhile, not forever, but for awhile. I need to move forward and away from this situation. I have always had a problem with being naive. I guess I was naive to think that he would care about me enough to not want to risk losing me. Maybe that's asking too much. So, knowing myself, I'm going to give myself time to remove myself from this haze of love and let it dissipate on its own. Once I'm over it, and I'm in California maybe we can be friends then. But right now, I've decided that its best for me to remove him from my life. But, my plans to move to California are still in motion, my feelings toward New York have not changed at all. I'm toying with the idea of moving to Europe however. My company is now international.

My Yahoo Horoscope for Today

2007-08-19T18:52:00.000-07:00

Quickie:
Odd dreams are telling you that you must bring back-burner issues to the forefront.

Overview:
You're a little cranky, but that's just a sign that you need to slow down and process all the big emotional business that has been happening in your life lately. Try to find some quiet time to zone out.

I don't believe in astrology, but these two could not be closer to the truth.

The neverending job search

2007-08-17T20:11:00.001-07:00

I officially spoke to my HR Recruiter today about getting a transfer to the SF office. (I am still in New York Not Simply Yes, but someone moved into your old cubicle-thought you should know) I would love to stay with my current company but this transfer can take forever especially since I have to wait for a position to open and I'm not super jazzed about living in SF. In the meanwhile, I've been sending my resume all over SD, OC and LA. I thought having relevant degrees and a year of experience would make it easy, but I haven't received not one response. It's very depressing. I've been using other people's contacts (thanks Fifi) and reaching out to old grad school acquaintances in Cali for a leg up. I want to leave NYC as soon as possible. It doesn't help that my one friend in Bay Ridge just got transferred to the Philly office. So annoying!

Going Crazy

2007-08-16T06:54:00.001-07:00

This situation with Chris is causing me to feel like I am going crazy. I don't feel like myself right now and it really makes me upset. The bone of contention is his desire to ensure a secure friendship with me before anything else. I have a problem being called a "friend" but he insists that a friendship first will be the right path. I find myself wanting more of a prominence in his life, and he just seems like he's not willing to give me that. He's trying to see where it goes and I just want to start going already. I'm sure its my lack of patience and willingness to slow down, but I can't help it. I don't know why I can't just let things be. I don't know why I am trying to rush this when I'm not even physically present. I feel like he may be correct but I still feel like I can't slow down. I don't feel well.

A day with the Family

2007-08-12T20:49:00.000-07:00

Today Chris was going to drop off his father and spend the day in San Diego with his daughters. He invited me to come along, because I am no longer a secret. So, I went with him to his grandma's house and got to meet his mother and father. Needless to say, his mother was not happy to see me. She's the typical overbearing mother looking out for her son. After that, we went down to Seaport Village and ended up visiting a retired Aircraft carrier museum. Afterwards we went to the La Jolla aquarium. His daughters are pretty well-behaved and were open to my presence. I was actually surprised at how easy it was to spend time with them. I thought it would be awkward, but it turns out I'm a natural. We came home and had some ice cream. It was a good time. We've made a lot of progress in this trip.

Cat out of the bag

2007-08-10T19:47:00.000-07:00

I'm in Cali! I spent all day Thursday with Chris waverunning at Mission Bay. It was awesome. I was like a forty year old bald man with a mid-life crisis. I was drunk with power at the wheel of that seadoo. We had so much fun. After the seadooing, we checked into a hotel room and recouped for a couple of hours and went out to a bar and club at Pacific Beach then went back to the hotel room. We checked out on Friday afternoon and headed back to my mom's house to drop off our stuff and then went to the Simpsons movie. (save your money) On Wednesday, Chris's ex-wife asked him about us. She wanted to know if we were together. If you remember correctly, her and I were work friends during high school. Chris told her we were talking and gave her the status of our relationship. She was cool with it.

After the Simpsons movie, Chris had planned on picking up his two daughters after dropping me off, but he got a text from his ex-wife asking to bring me because she would like to see me. So, I went with him to pick up his daughters (the first time meeting them) and to see Jenn again (the first time in 7 years). It was a bit awkward, I was nervous and she seemed okay with the situation. She told the girls about me, and they were expecting to meet me. She seemed different, not the same Jenn I remembered. She gave me hug and we took the girls and left. We went to dinner, and I got to see his daughters in action. After dinner, Chris dropped me off, and later called me to ask if I would like to go with him and his girls to San Diego on Sunday. "The cat's out of the bag" he said. I agreed. I have to admit though, I don't know shit about 5 and 7 year olds. I asked the 7 year old if she had learned her ABC's yet. She was like, "Yeah, in kindergarten like 2 years ago". This should be fun.

Hello Everybody

2007-08-04T16:04:00.000-07:00

So, in my on-again off-again affair with NYC, I've decided its over. I asked my company to transfer me to San Francisco just so I get the hell out of here. New York has its charms and the architecture and history is brilliant. The dogshit on the sidewalks, the garbage on the streets, and the stench of armpits in the air is just not worth enduring. I have an appointment with HR on Tuesday to discuss my options for SF, though I have to interview just like I would any other job, and it can take up to a few months if they don't have any openings. Quite frankly, I don't want to go to SF either, so I've been applying to jobs in San Diego and Los Angeles as well. Going to SF is an easier way to stay with my company because I've been spoiled with the equivalent of 4 weeks of vacation they give us. My heart lies in Southern California though. Literally. I figured I would assess my market value by applying to various positions, but sadly I haven't heard back from anyone. Applying for jobs is such a bummer. Incidentally, next month I will have been in NYC for one year. This must be what boot camp feels like. I feel like I'm dragging myself out of the mud to the finish line or something.

Happy 30's Shawn!

2007-07-29T09:32:00.000-07:00

This week has been hellish. I've been at work almost every night until 10 pm. I've worked both Saturday and Sunday and my building turns off the A/C on the weekends and the weather is completely nast. So, my apologies to one of my BFFs for not wishing him a Happy Birthday on July 27. Baby, I really did think the 27th was on Sunday. I'm so sorry. 30 is a big one. Cut me a break, I've been working late and not getting enough sleep. I'm also pretty sure I haven't been showering. Anyways, Happy 30th!

Simpsons Brilliant Marketing

2007-07-26T10:58:00.000-07:00

So yes, I am a Simpsons fan. I was down at the Kwik-E-Mart on 42nd street buying up a pink donut, a squishee and Krusty-o's. I love to simpsonize myself and I'm loving that they are playing my favorite episodes back to back this week. I know many out there love the Simpsons just as much or more than I do. That Kwik-E-Mart was packed with people who were snatching the last of the Buzz Cola armed with their camera phones. So, here's the question: Is anyone actually going to watch the Simpsons movie? I don't think so. I just don't think its going to be a very good movie. I have to check my facts, but my favorite seasons of the Simpsons was a while back, the new writing isn't as witty or funny. Slightly amusing, yes. But, I think I'll be adding it to the Netflix queue, squeezed between Kiss Kiss Bang Bang and Sex and the City Season 3, Disk 2. Oh and by the way, that is me in the simpsons cartoon. I created my own avatar to look like me.

Celebreality

2007-07-22T13:41:00.000-07:00

Let's talk TV. I've decided Tom Colicchio from Top Chef is hot shit, and his restaurants are in New York so I'm going to have to eat at one. The cheapest one. I watched the reunion show of Charm School and I can't figure out Mo'nique. On one hand she's all about being a strong woman, but on the other hand, I think the reason we all watched Charm School was to see the antics of the ghettolicious girls. And quite frankly I think Mo knows that. So, I'm not sure I'm buying it. Larissa is crazy though and I was happy to see that Saafayri and Lailene did well from the show. And damn those fucking Vh1 shows, they get me hooked every time. I made a conscious decision to not watch the new Bret Michaels show, because I'm tired of seeing skanky women draping themselves on famous men. But, in true Vh1 fashion, they played that shit over and over, until inevitably they caught me off guard at the gym, and now I'm hooked. One more thing, I've been a little disappointed with the new season of Rescue Me. It's been slow moving and slightly annoying. It appears that Sheila is going to take the new baby and I think thats just ridiculous. Anyways, I'm bummed that Kathy Griffin's show is now at the end of the season but stoked that Scott Baio is 45 and Single, because I'd show Charles who is in charge. Seriously, he's hot. Yeah, he's only 4 years younger than my mom, but that doesn't deter me.

Daddy's Little Girls

2007-07-20T05:36:00.000-07:00

I'm going back to Cali in August for 5 days and this trip will include a day excursion to Catalina Island. Chris took a couple of days off so we can go seadooing. Anyhow, as a single daddy of two little girls, he gets the girls from Friday through Sunday. I'm not sure what the proper protocol is, but I do know its not cool to just introduce random women into your daughters' life when they are so young. I haven't said anything about wanting to meet them, because part of me feels like its too soon, and I live so far right now, that it wouldn't feel right. The other part of me thinks that if I don't express interest in meeting them he may feel as if I don't want to. The question I'm left asking is this: Is it my responsibility to say something or does he determine when its time to meet his daughters?

Times of Terror

2007-07-19T07:54:00.000-07:00

I am completely exhausted. There was an explosion in New York yesterday, which I'm sure you are all aware of. I work in the twenties, and the explosion was in the forties, so as I was leaving work yesterday I saw billowing clouds of smoke. When I got home, my mom had left me a message expressing concern and she was crying. Mom isn't a fan of me living here for obvious reasons and times like this exacerbate her concern. Add to the fact that I didn't have her cell number because I upgraded my phone and she doesn't have call waiting on her house phone. Anyhow, tomorrow is her birthday, so I dispatched Chris to get me two gift certificates and hand deliver them to my mom and let her know I'm still alive. Being the good sport that he his, he did what I asked and I was able to let my mom know I was still alive, though I'm sure if she was watching the news she would have been aware.

I've had horrible dreams this week, one of which I was running from an armed gunman shooting bullets into the back of people's heads. (think columbine) The second dream I had the day before the eruption in New York, was a dream about terrorism. And how fucked I am, if someone decides to commit an act of terrorism in the course of my daily routine. We take life for granted, not realizing that anyone can just blow anything up at any time. I see many opportunities in the course of my daily life, am I to assume that someone won't exploit these? No. And yeah, I don't completely buy the bullshit that says, "if we live in terror, they win". Fuck that. I'm scared, and so is everyone here. It doesn't stop us from going to work however. But, I've just been thinking lately about each day is one more day that can just abruptly end at some point. New York is a target for sure. But so is Los Angeles, San Francisco, San Diego, Washington D.C., Niagara Falls, Seattle. Everywhere. And these are just mass scale cities. I'm sure that soon our country will soon be like Israel, in the sense that going to a shopping mall in suburbia will be just as dangerous.

Things I love about New York

2007-07-14T09:52:00.000-07:00

Drop-off Laundry. Dropping off your laundry so someone else can wash your clothes and fold your undies for the same price it is to do your own laundry.

Walking. Living in a microcosm neighborhood where you can find most of what you need within walking distance (ie: restaurants, bars, bodegas)

The diversity. Walking just a few blocks can be the same as walking from Poland through the Middle East while stopping off in Mexico before landing in Greece.

Cuisine. Living in diversity means the local restaurants and cuisines reflect this. My neighborhood has Polish, Greek, "Mexican", Moroccan, Arabic, and Japanese restaurants.

Choices. Unlike suburbia, when you are forced to shop at either Abercrombie & Fitch or Hollister, in New York you can choose between Macy's and Saks or hundreds of private boutiques selling unusual fashion and accessories. You aren't forced to drive far away to find uniqueness.

Arts and Culture. Of course. Watching an Indie film is very easy to do here, but a bit more expensive. Obviously there are tons of musuems and other cultural events that occur here. The drawback is that you definitely need to be willing to fight crowds of people or be able to handle the fact that everyone else will be there too.

History. Yes, this is nerdy, but I bought a PBS videoof Coney Island. I'm a Coney Island buff, and I can't help it. But aside from Coney Island this place is brimming with history and sights.

Delivery. Everyone delivers. The McDonald's near my work has a delivery service. Anything you want you get, usually its free. You just have to make sure the driver isn't trying to rip you off like the drivers of Mizu Sushi. That's right motherfuckers, your sushi sucks and your drivers are assholes.

The Attitude. The people of New York work it. I mean no matter how bad they look, everyone thinks the look good. Chubby chicks are wearing the latest fashions that don't look so good on their body type, but they are rocking that short dress and gladiator sandals all while wearing Dior sunglasses. This goes for everyone, not just the chubbies. Everyone thinks they look good and the walk on the street like they own it. Love it.

Movies and Celebrities. Yeah, this is a bit sad. I love the fact that I saw Eddie Murphy filming a movie in front of the flatiron. I love the fact that I saw that guy from BET's 106 and Park walking his dog and watching the filming of an Amex commercial near Madison Square Park. That's cool shit. And while these are pseudo-celebrities for sure, I know the day will come when Denis Leary and I "accidently" bump into each other at some random coffee shop downtown.

5 days of New York Exploration

2007-07-08T16:56:00.000-07:00

Homer's Pink Donuts at the Kwik-E Mart on 42nd Street

I had a friend visiting from Tuesday until Sunday of this week. I was determined to give her the complete New York tour. We started off by going on the Staten Island Ferry around the bay, then headed to Chinatown for some knock off Chanel purses. From there we went into Little Italy where I had the best gelato ever. We checked out some boutiques in Soho and then went to Macy's.

The next day we went to Grimaldi's and walked over the Brooklyn Bridge to find more knock off purses in Chinatown. We saw the courthouse from Law & Order in our travels. Later that day, we went to an overpriced restaurant--we spent $90 each. Afterwards we went to see Wicked. I really enjoyed the show. We went to the Living Room after the show and had a couple of drinks before going back to Brooklyn.

On Friday we went to 5th Avenue and did some shopping. She bought herself a Tiffany's necklace and we went to Saks and other high end shops. We came back to Brooklyn and went to La Maison du Couscous Moroccan restaurantin my neighborhood. It was way better and cheaper than the $90 crap we had in the city.

Saturday we went to Central Park and the Kwik-E Mart. We bought ourselves a squishee and a box of Krusty-Os. When we got back into Brooklyn we had a beer at my friend Kate's house and watched half of The Shining before going home.

On Sunday, we went to the Brooklyn Museum to check it out. She decided she was "over" going to the city. She was also so tired from walking she didn't want to go to any of the museums in Manhattan.

She said she liked New York, but could never live here.

I'd rather hang out alone

2007-07-02T19:38:00.000-07:00

Hey,
We've had some fun but I think its time we part ways. You just aren't my type. I like people who don't want to live a sheltered life. Yes, we did have fun that one time at the bar, but that was like 2 months ago and things haven't been the same between us. I find myself wanting to drink more and more when you are around so I can try to forget how uninteresting our conversations are. You'll find someone else, another out-of-towner who will give you a few weeks of adventure and fun. Keep in mind that an adventure for you is leaving the five mile radius of your neighborhood. Quite honestly, I began to realize that you and I were two different people when you expressed your ignorance of the flatiron building. On that note, goodbye.

My imaginary goodbye to the jewannabe.

A Weekend off the G

2007-07-01T19:31:00.000-07:00

This weekend I stayed in Fifi's apartment off the G Line in Greenpoint. I was supposed to be cat sitting. He goes to the toilet like a human to go poo and pee.

I decided that I was going to devote this weekend to me. I started my Saturday morning with a trip to Tiffany's to buy myself a necklace. I felt it would be a commemoration of my success and my time in New York. I then continued my day by walking through a corner of Central Park and shopping. I bought two new pairs of shoes, a dress, a shirt and some shorts. Later the Jewannabe met me in the city with another girl and we had dinner at Aleo's. The pumpkin ravioli was yummy.

When Sunday rolled around I headed over to the Parish Diner and had brunch. I tried the Frosted Flakes coated French Toast with the drunken bananas and a bellini. I know it sounds like something from the White trash cookbook, but it was pretty good. After brunch, I headed back to the apartment and hung out with Fifi's cat. Later, I went down to Acapulco's and had some chicken nachos con guacamole followed by a walk to Williamsburg to do some boutique shopping. I decided I like myself way more than some of the people I've met here. On that note, as my pink-haired little friend would say, Greenpoint bitches!

The Hangover

2007-06-29T09:53:00.000-07:00

Yesterday my office closed down and as a company we headed up to the Bronx to paint murals and plant gardens at a couple of public schools. I have made no secret of the fact that I don't particularly care for most of the people that I work with, and its these social situations that exacerbate the problem. After hours of painting, there was an after party with free beer and food. I had way too many beers and by the end of the night someone had drawn two nipples on my t-shirt. While these nipples were being drawn, I saw a girl I had worked with previously whispering and clearly talking about me. I said, "Don't judge me bitch". Yeah, I was drunk. That's no excuse though. I still can't believe I said that to a co-worker. My friend pulled me aside and said, that girl said really nice things about you earlier today. On the taxi ride home I was just a blubbering mess. Talking a bunch of drunken shit. I woke up this morning unable to even hold down water. I came to work 2 hours late. I've got to leave this city. I don't even know whats going on anymore. Since I've moved here I have no idea what has happened to my life. I just hate fake superficial people and this city is full of posers. This place is making me crazy.

Work Blogging

2007-06-27T06:50:00.000-07:00

So, I'm reduced to blogging at work simply because my laptop is ready to take a shit. The tab key and the t and the y keys don't work. You'd be suprised at how often you need those two letters in the english language. Anyhow, I've decided to stay out the year in New York giving me until September 25. I've given myself approximately until November to find a new job or transfer to the San Francisco office with my current company. My goal is to stay with my current company, but if that doesn't work out then I have to find a job in the Bay area which shouldn't be a problem.

This weekend I'll be cat sitting/apartment sitting in Greenpoint, a neighborhood of Brooklyn which is 20 minutes from Manhattan. My friend's cat has the ability to pee and poo in the toilet like a human. Expect to see pics of that next week. A co-worker of mine will be spending the night as well. It's going to be like a slumber party for 26-28 year olds, which means a lot of complaining about men or lack thereof. And maybe if drunk enough, a little bit of titty grabbing. If she's lucky. Cuz thats what girls do when they have slumber parties and they aren't getting laid.

I'm hoping that during my 3 day adventure in Greenpoint I'll run into Denis Leary and his crew filming Rescue Me. Rumor has it that it is filmed in the Greenpoint/Williamsburg area and the residents there are pissed off because they can't park or some shit. Its Denis Leary bitches. He can pee on the street and steal small children if he wants, so long as he's filming in my neighborhood. But, I live in the suburbs of Brooklyn, so thats not going to happen for me.

P.S. I just saw Eddie Murphy filming a movie in front of the flatiron while at lunch.

Welcome to Brooklyn, America's Hometown

2007-06-24T15:33:00.000-07:00

I went to the Mermaid Parade, a 25 year old parade of fools. Being the Coney Island enthusiast that I am, I had to go. I was completely disappointed in the lack of nice tits. I expected to see plenty of tits and nips. I didn't see much. Afterwards, we headed to Greenpoint for good Mexican food. Weekend is over.

Lazy TV Weekend

2007-06-17T12:28:00.000-07:00

I had grandiose plans this weekend. Saturday was supposed to be a trip to the Transit Museum and Coney Island on Sunday. I ended up spending the whole weekend in my underwear watching netflix and TV. Rescue Me is back on this season, and I got a phonecall from Fifi on Thursday to let me know that they were filming in her neighborhood in Brooklyn. Next time they are there, I'm going to take the day off to watch.

Rescue Me's season premiere was off to a slow start. Maybe because its been like a year since its been on and suddenly a baby is born and random people we are supposed to remember have a central role. I'm just stoked to see Denis Leary again. Outside of my dreams that is. I have an ongoing debate with a very dear friend of mine, who insists that Rescue Me is marketed for women, not men. My main argument against this is that FX is a network for men and their core audience is men. But, after watching the flash piece of Denis Leary getting hosed off on the Rescue Me site, I think he may have a point.

So, in my tv watching stupor, I came across Kathy Griffin's My Life on the D-List. Delicious. I have never experienced Kathy Griffin before, but I'm glad I did. I watched the episode when she went out with Nick Carter and he wouldn't take a photo with her. Classic.

Things I Hate

2007-06-16T08:35:00.000-07:00

I decided that I kinda hate myspace. I deleted my page because I was over it. I think my main problem with the myspace thing is that people use it to hide behind. To portray an image of themselves. I hate the huge backgrounds of betty page and the tons of youtube media clips. And the sparkling stars above the names. When I lived in Buffalo, I was in a long distance relationship for 1.5 years. Its been 1.5 years since I talked to this person and occasionally, I get into the stalking mood. Myspace is perfect for that. I went to his page and it looks like the page of a 12 year old high school kid. In about 2 minutes, I was able to piece together what he's been doing with his life: Quit his job, found a new one, formulated a new band and still living in Socal. It's strange because he was the first guy I ever fell in love with, and now I can't even remember why. Is this normal? Doesn't feel right. When I think of him, I just think of how immature and stupid he is. I never wanted to think of him like that. Oh yeah, and I wish he would stop using our relationship to fuel his songs lyrics.

Leaving New York

2007-06-13T18:04:00.000-07:00

I've come to a decision. I'm leaving New York. Its a great city but, its not a place I want to stay. Blame it on many factors. My goal is to leave within 6 months. This may or may not be possible, because I'm governed by whether I am able to find another position. I'm moving back to the West Coast, the East Coast weather isn't for a Cali kid like me. I applied for a position in San Diego today. I'm setting my sights on San Francisco/San Jose area and San Diego. (I can only live in places with San in it) So, as a result I've decided to comprise a huge list of the things I want to do before I leave. Here are the highlights:

Ride the Cyclone and Wonder Wheel at Coney Island

Visit Harlem

Take the Staten Island Ferry

Visit Bensonhurst, Brooklyn

See a Play

Eat Chocolate pasta at Beppe

Jog in Central Park

See a Yankees game

Walk over the Brooklyn Bridge

Visit Prospect Park

Go to the Russian Tea Room

Go to Arthur's Tavern

There's lots more but thats the short list.
P.S. Is anyone else watching So You Think You Can Dance? Its fucking great. And of course Rescue Me is back on now Wednesdays at 10 on FX. Love Denis Leary.

What would a New Yorker do?

2007-06-12T17:50:00.000-07:00

So I was half sleeping on the express train to work the other day when suddenly this woman says, "Ma'am there's something in your hair" to the girl sitting next me. The girl looked confused and started brushing her hair, and in her stark blonde hair was a huge black wasp. That muthafucker was huge! She got up and started to brush her hair with her finger and she asked me if it was off. "It's right there" I said. She then started to brush it in my direction. "Oh no, not here" I said to her. It was sort of a snippy comment, but I was afraid it would land on me. She eventually got it out and it flew to another part of the train. After I got off the train, this random guy came up to me and said "That was classic what you said to that girl. That was so funny." Only in New York can you get rewarded for bad behavior. What would a New Yorker do? Just the opposite of what Jesus would do.

Found: Myself

2007-06-10T08:26:00.000-07:00

About a week and a half ago, I found myself again. We can find ourselves in the oddest places. I attended a mandatory 4 hour meeting discussing the rebranding and positioning stategy of one of our core clients. It was during this meeting when I started to remember who I am and who I want to be. And now I feel better. I feel calmer, I feel more confident and content with where I am in my life. I had already scheduled therapy appointments before I found myself, but decided to go anyway. She told me my anxiety attacks were related to making decisions in my life. She acknowledged the fact that its difficult to meet people here and that felt good. I'm tired of people blaming me for not making friends here. I'm picky about the sort of people I want to be around, and the egotistic, shallow hipster types are not for me. I'm not about image and I just haven't met too many people that I like here. (Except for you Fifi) I went out with Kate and her friend on Friday and drank way too much. I spent the weekend cleaning. I think I'm going to visit the Greenwood Cemetary next week, gravesite of the founder of Tiffany & Co.

Career Talk

2007-06-03T18:15:00.000-07:00

This weekend I hung out on Friday with my neighbor/co-worker/BFF at her house. We drank about 2.5 bottles of wine between the both of us. She got me thinking a lot about my current position at the agency I work at. I'll be working at my agency for 9 months in June. I am a user interface designer, but I have only worked on 3 or 4 projects in which I have aided in designing interfaces. The rest of the time I wrote documents and sat on my ass reading blogs and IMing all day. Part of the reason for this is because the projects that I have been working have gone on hold. When that happens, I literally have nothing to do. After speaking to my manager, he told me that I came at a weird time for projects. Long story short, my friend doesn't think I'm getting what I need at this agency, and quite frankly neither do I. I had expected to learn a lot more by this time than I have. So, I think its time to build my portfolio, and I'm going to start shopping around to other agencies and places that I think I can build more skill. It may turn out this place I stay, but I'm going to check out my options.

My apologies

2007-06-01T12:53:00.001-07:00

Well, in light of the comments I received, I'm pretty sure you will all think I'm a total pussy and a let down. But, I have re-evaluated the situation with Chris, and I'm going to see what happens. I realize I may be on the road to pain, but I also want to take into consideration that he has difficulty opening up, and after talking to a couple of straight guy friends, they sort of took his side, saying that 5 months was certaintly not enough time to feel as if they know someone. Add that I live 3,000 miles away. So, I know I sound like a lowly pathetic girl right now, but I'm going to give it a go. Quite honestly, I'd rather deal with a divorcee with two kids' drama than a hedonistic single unmarried male right now. Sorry everyone, I know you are all judging me right now. Its okay.

I did it.

2007-05-31T04:29:00.000-07:00

I took the plunge and signed up for Match.com. I did it because I really want to be with Chris, but it seems that I want him and he doesn't really feel the way I do. I think I need to meet other people to get over him, and this is the easiest way I know how. I have to admit, my stomach turned a little bit when I completed my profile and saw the pictures of some of the men on there. I'm really not looking forward to this. Not at all. I feel like I'm dating for all the wrong reasons. I hate dating, and have never really dated. I just sort of started out hanging out with friends who became more. Gosh, I feel so sad.

My messy life

2007-05-30T04:36:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning and just wanted to cry. I took a shower and debated whether or not to call in sick because I just don't feel like going to work. My life feels like a mess. I don't think it has anything to do with Chris, rather I think me trying to push us forward so quickly is a result of how horrible I feel about my life right now. I'm not happy. Not at all. I have no idea how to become happy. I just can't get myself to feel better. I haven't had an anxiety attack in a few weeks, but now I just want to cry all the time. I do realize that happiness is a short-lived emotion, but I'm not even content right now.

Epilogue

2007-05-27T10:04:00.000-07:00

I've begun to accept the situation with Chris and I. I feel good about the decisions I have made from start to finish regarding this short affair. 5 months and 3 weeks ago, we had our first conversation and felt the immediate connection. Though I lived 3,000 miles away, we explored the possibility. For this I cannot feel any regret. Not knowing is worse than not trying for me. So now I know, it was a dead end. I did learn so much from this situation that I think I can take with me to my next journey. I've learned that emotionally, I have been very much affected by my last relationship, leading to many feelings of doubt and insecurities about myself. I have also felt as if Chris has given me hope that there are men still left in the world that are good. He was the first man to make me feel as if my thoughts and feelings were important and really pressed me to communicate through the times I didn't want to. Communication is not a strong area for me, and I felt that some of the minor issues we had could have escalated into more if he hadn't forced me to communicate with him. It seems I have a knack for being attracted to men who are reluctant to give themselves emotionally to me. Overall, I'm not as disappointed as I thought I would be. Incredibly hurt yes. I was really falling for this guy. I'm just glad that I finally had the strength to let it go. I just hope I didn't make a mistake. Part of me feels that 5 months may not be enough for someone to decide how they feel about me.

So Long, Farewell

2007-05-27T08:24:00.000-07:00

My time in Cali has been bittersweet. I tried to enjoy my time here with Chris in between squeezing in time with my family and friends and of course his family and friends. A couple of days into the trip, I started to notice that he wasn't as affectionate with me as he had been in New York. Of course, this lead to question his behavior silently. It all came to a point, last night when we were at a local casino. I asked him, "Are you interested in me?" and with that came a very long conversation of where we thought we were and where we thought it was going. I basically told him that I have been falling in love with him and felt that he is holding back emotionally from me. He agreed that he has been guarded and cautious about me and then dropped a huge bombshell. He said that he felt that he hasn't felt a deeper connection with me and he wasn't saying that it couldn't happen, it just wasn't there just yet. To this I cried and told him that the emotional parameters he has put on our situation has been largely of his doing and that I have felt some emotional connection with him. After further probing, he admit that he has held back the displays of affection in order to "not confuse the situation". We talked for hours, in circles and based on these facts from him:

1. He hasn't felt an emotional connection with me.

2. He is emotionally guarded.

3. He is pulling back on the displays of affection.
And these facts from me:

1. I have done everything possible to see him.

2. I have reached a point of trying to decide to shit or get off the pot.

3. I have started to fall in love with him.

I decided that I will no longer put in any effort into our future. I'm not going to fly home every couple of months, I'm not going to pick up the phone, IM, or text message on a regular basis anymore just because its him. I'm just over it. He still wants to take me to the airport, and being the kind of person I am, I'm going to let him. I'm not exactly sure if I'm making the right decision, part of me feels like he may need more time. He has expressed that he feels that he doesn't know me as well as he should in order to find the answer to my questions. And that may be true, but I just know that I've given everything to this and if he needs to find his answers he can, but I'm not going to be 100% involved anymore. I'm going to be 27% involved. I'm not going to say that I don't ever want to talk to him again, but I'm no longer interested in a relationship beyond friendship. And I still can't help thinking that he has probably made a mistake by forcing me to bump him down to friend status, but thats a mistake that I can't control. Now, I'm off to delete my myspace account. I'm over it.

The Cali Suburban Life

2007-05-25T08:59:00.000-07:00

I just finished my jalapeno bagel and butterscotch flavored coffee in the warm Cali sunshine. Home of the "Indian and Proud of It!" license plates. In fact, I think I'm going to change the name of my surburban city to Native America. Yesterday, Cali and his friend came over to my house to cook enchiladas for my mom and I. I have no car, so I had to walk to the store. No one walks in Cali. Thanks to the power of myspace, while I was at the store, I ran into Cali guy's slutty former fuckbuddy. I saw her face and knew immediately it was her. This town is too fucking small. Later on, Cali guy and I went to his property which is in BFE Native America, and we had a fuck fest. I got a Brazilian wax on Tuesday, and ladies, let me tell you, its worth it. It's 77 degrees today, very little humidity.

$12 Bellinis and Juniors

2007-05-20T09:16:00.000-07:00

Saturday, the girl I met a few months ago, (the jewwannabe) called me to see if I wanted to go to Taj, a lounge in the city. I didn't feel much like going out, but because I've made such a huge fuss of not having friends here, I decided to suck it up and do it. This girl was born and raised in Brooklyn, and true Brooklynites never leave Brooklyn. We went the lounge and had free Merlot and decided we wanted to go to Juniors, but because the one in Brooklyn was too hard to get to, we went to the one in Times Square. After we had our mac n' cheese and dessert, we went to the W hotel around the corner to the lounge called the Living Room. We hung out there people watching and guessing which states the people were from. I had a $12 bellini, which was worth the price. I actually decided last night that I liked her. Of course, she's a devout Catholic girl who is also a 26-year old virgin, but as long as she doesn't judge my foul mouth and debaucherous ways, we will get along just fine.

Happy Times

2007-05-16T20:15:00.000-07:00

I totally became unraveled this morning. All my pent up aggression and frustration came to a head this morning as I was walking to the subway station. I was on the phone with Cali guy, and I unexpectedly ruptured. I was yelling on the top of my lungs while I was crossing the street, "I'm almost thirty and I have nothing. Nothing! Nothing to show for my life..." To this he responded, "You have 2 Master's degrees and a career." Anyway, I had an hour subway ride to collect my irrational thoughts.

After watching Lost tonight, I decided I would do what Charlie did on the show. Write down my five favorite memories. This won't really mean anything to anyone, but this is going to act as a therapeutic relief for me.

5. Driving down the 15 freeway with my sunroof open, wearing my sunglasses and feeling the sun on my skin.

4. Graduating from my undergrad institution. I worked really hard and it surprised me.

3. Driving through five states from Buffalo to Atlanta during Autumn.

2. Driving from Buffalo to New York City with my car packed to the rim to start my new life.

1. My trip to San Francisco with people I don't talk to anymore. I got so drunk I had alcohol poisioning and couldn't get out of bed until 5pm the next day. But we had a shit load of fun.

I think being stuck in the negativity of everyday life has gotten me so far off course of rationality that I need to remind myself of when I was happy. Not to say that I'm not happy, I'm okay.

Other People's Talents

2007-05-15T19:18:00.000-07:00

Today we had a creative meeting and the co-owner of a company named Tronic showcased their work. It became very clear to me that some people in the world are incredibly brilliant and creative. And then there's people like me. I just feel so overwhelmed by other people's talents. And again, I'm having a "am I in the right career" crisis.

Almost 30 and Single

2007-05-13T20:00:00.000-07:00

Today it just dawned on me that I may still be single by the time I turn 30. Today that seemed like a scary thing. I'm not one to jump into anything, so I have to factor in "dating" time before a possible engagement and eventual marriage. And of course, there is no groom to speak of on the horizon. I tried to imagine not being married. It wouldn't be horrible I guess, but I know all of my friends will be happily married around me, and I'd be the lonely duck without a man. As we get older, the pool of men gets smaller and filled with baggage like child support and ex-wives. If that isn't the case, the bachelors left over are single for a reason. I sort of always pictured myself as having a prospect for marriage by the time I turn 30. Looks like things don't always turn out the way I want them to.

A day in Williamsburg

2007-05-12T18:00:00.000-07:00

Brooklyn is a big place, and today I dusted off the ole' Honda and took the 10 minute drive to the other side of the world--Williamsburg. Home of the hipsters. Two things brought me to Williamsburg, the Brooklyn Brewery and a southern cooking shack. I went with my co-worker and her husband to meet another co-worker who lives in the neighborhood. We walked 10 blocks to the Brooklyn Brewery to take advantage of the $3 beers. The beer tasted like ass. There's a lot Brooklyn is known for, beer will not be one of them. We got a bit tipsy and walked another 15 blocks to Pies and Thighs. I dropped $19 on fried chicken, baked beans, mac n'cheese, a lemonade and a doughnut. I still can't believe I paid that much. The chicken was good and so was the lemonade, but everything else was eh. I told myself I was paying for the experience. I have to admit, my opinion of Williamsburg has changed, its not the decrepit sugar refinery place I had imagined. Though it is filled with hipsters who dress like homeless people. Since when did it become fashionable to look like southern white trash?

I'm the Girl your Mama Warned you About

2007-05-09T17:41:00.000-07:00

Since when did I become the vixen? This is the question I ask myself. I've always considered myself a good girl. The kind of girl you can bring home to mama. I've never had a one night stand. In the past I've been well liked by the mamas of the sons I've dated. Primarily because their sons were scumbags and mama knew they couldn't get any better. I was a college educated girl with no baby daddys or failed marriages. Clearly I was not interested in their son for money.

Recently, I've started to notice a shift in the type of guys I date and their mamas. My ex had a mama from hell. She didn't like me from the beginning. I couldn't figure out why. I have a graduate degree, goals, ambitions, no kids, and no failed marriages. She should want her son to be with an emotionally healthy ambitious woman like myself. I'd take good care of her son.

After a conversation with Cali guy I realized that Cali guy's mom probably wouldn't like me either. She didnt like his ex wife because she felt that she wasn't good enough for her son. She wasn't college educated, she came from a broken home filled with abuse and didnt have a daddy. Okay fine. Based on the criteria, I am totally good enough for her son. But, suddenly I realized that I'm the vixen. She'll take one look at me and know her son wants to do me doggy style in the back of her minivan. And of course its my fault. Sorry mama, I can't help it if your son likes to fuck me. Maybe it would make you feel better if you knew I made more money than him. Then you would know I'm not in it for the cash.

Burning Bridges

2007-05-06T20:26:00.000-07:00

I feel like I've been burning my bridges big time lately. I've made my last and final attempt to contact my friend in Georgia. I have called her twice and text messaged with no response. I finally sent her an email today and decided that this would be the final step. I also deleted another close friend's myspace today. Which I felt really guilty about later on, so I messaged her telling her it was an accident. I haven't talked to her since she informed me that she didn't bring me a Guinness shirt from Ireland. I'm sort of not talking to my friend here in Brooklyn either. The list goes on. I've always considered myself a good friend, at this point, I'm thinking I'm more of an asshole than a friend. An asshole who drives those close to me a way. These are people I've known for at least 5 years. I feel sort of bad about the whole thing. I wish I could control myself better when it comes to these matters. I'm thinking of deleting my myspace account, because it has contributed more to drama than it does help. Once you've held a spot in the coveted "Top 8", one can't help but be offended when they are no longer in the Top 8. Its juvenile, I know.

A Tree Grows in Brooklyn

2007-04-29T16:29:00.000-07:00

Or rather, many cherry blossoms grow in Brooklyn. The Brooklyn Botanic Garden had a Cherry Blossom festival today and of course everyone in Brooklyn showed up. I used my student ID to get the $4 discount, which I feel slightly guilty about. Slightly. Cherry Blossoms were in full bloom. I couldn't see any of the performances, because all of Brooklyn was in the way. So, I roamed around looking at random things like Sushi Pillows. As I was leaving I saw a girl that I had gone out with a few times. I think she has a girl crush on me. I have had a few girls crush on me in the past, and it usually doesn't end up pretty. She's a nice girl, but not very interesting. She quotes rabbis on a regular basis, and she's not even Jewish. The first time I met her, she asked me to guess her nationality. I guessed Italian and she was disappointed that I didn't guess Jewish. She is Italian but wants to look Jewish for some reason. After the BBG, I went to enjoy a Chocolate Stout Float from The Chocolate Room. It's created with Brooklyn Brewery's Chocolate Stout Beer and Vanilla Ice Cream. That's right honey. Beer + Ice Cream. It was interesting. I wouldn't say it was delicious, but interesting.

Fuckbuddies and Whores.

2007-04-28T17:27:00.000-07:00

I had a conversation with Cali guy today. Let me give you some background first before I dive in. A while back ago, before we were involved in our romance, he had a fuckbuddy. One whore of a 37 year old with two teenager daughters. Just to further illustrate my disgust for this individual, she has a Myspace profile in which she posed in her lingerie. This is the filthy picture, but you may need to have a myspace account to view it. She has this picture next to other pictures with her and her daughters. Trash. Pure fucking trash. They are no longer fucking, and when they were, neither of them had ever wanted a relationship with each other because they felt like it wasn't going to work.

Okay, flash forward to the present. They still are friends though no longer have sex. They go to local venues to see bands and I think he still goes to her house to help her daughters with homework. He has already assured me that they aren't having sex. I believe him because he can be brutally honest sometimes. I think its weird that they still hang out. He told me she is a friend. He felt that she was more a friend with benefits than a fuckbuddy. Emphasis on friend.

Every fuckbuddy I ever had got thown away like a used tampon when I was done with them. They had absolutely no value to me afterwards. This is the same for all of my ex's too. I understand he's different, he talks to most of his ex's and is on friendly terms with his ex-wife though she cheated on him with his sister's husband. We aren't in a formal relationship, so its not like I can tell him not to hang out with her, and I don't really want to do that anyways. He told me that he wouldn't be jealous if I was hanging out with an ex-fuckbuddy. Typical guy. I know I'm totally hating right now, but where does this 37 year old slut get off fucking a 28 year old? Bitch. She needs to fuck guys her own age.

UPDATED: I looked at her myspace again. This bitch makes me sick. her address is sugarpuss69. She has a picture of herself licking cali guy. I'm over it. I text messaged him and told him, "I know I'm not allowed to say this, but I hope there's nothing going on between you two, because if there is I'm going to have to say goodbye. To this he responded, "She's my friend and she doesn't have many friends." I responded with this: "That's great. I'm just saying if something more happens between you two I'm out. I don't know her but her myspace is gross and she's licking you--its total trash." To this he responded, "Ok". I know I'm sort of out of my boundaries, because we aren't together, but enough is enough. This guy has to know that I think this girl is trash and though he has permission to fuck anyone he wants, if he fucks this girl again, I'm done. I don't like this girl and I want to make it clear. And if he does fuck her, I better not know about it.

Assholes & BFFs

2007-04-27T19:28:00.000-07:00

So, I've been recently pondering some recent events in my life. A mental review of my friendships has caused me to do some introspection and ask myself a single question: Am I an asshole? Probably. When I moved to New York I had a circle of friends from Cali. One of the people I considered a BFF deleted her Myspace account. Without warning she was gone. This is akin to a slap in the face. I left an irrate message on her phone. She left a message explaining why she did it and that was the last I heard from her. That was 5 months ago. I text messaged her a month ago, and left a voicemail 2 weeks ago. No response. I think its over.

Another situation developed when another BFF went to Ireland for 5 weeks. I asked her for a single item--a Guinness shirt. She came back to the states empty handed. When I asked her about the shirt she said, "Go Online." I know this may not be something to be angry at, but I was extremely pissed off and haven't spoken to her since. Its been about a month. I think I have a friendship disorder.

Its not you It's me

2007-04-24T17:58:00.000-07:00

When is it appropriate to dump a friend? When I moved to the NYC, I had a single friend here whom I knew the whole time in Buffalo. We lived in the same complex. We have hung out often since I moved to Brooklyn. He's very resourceful and always willing to help. But, there are things about him that really bug me. Over time these things have built up and finally come to a breaking point. I can't even fully articulate what he's done or if he's done anything wrong at all. I just feel like I'm tired of him. I feel guilty about not wanting to be friends with him because we had been fairly close for the last couple of years. Is it really fair to dump someone when they haven't really done anything wrong? (except irritate me?) My concern is that I may not be judging this situation fairly.

Adventures on the Manhattan Bound Express

2007-04-23T19:36:00.000-07:00

Again, this story starts on the morning express train. I wasn't able to get a seat, so I stood in front of a row of people. As we rolled into the Atlantic Avenue station this woman in front of me began to dry heave. She cupped her hands in front of her mouth. I scampered away envisioning a spew of puke. I was the only person who moved. Her cheeks puffed out as if she was holding it all in her mouth. The muslim lady next to her reached into her bag and pulled out a produce bag with fruit. She dumped out the fruit and handed over the clear produce bag. The woman began to puke into the produce bag. Everyone was staring at her. Thanks to the clear plastic, we all saw the contents. The fun never stops on public transport. The week just started, I can't wait for the next show.

Brooklyn Alive

2007-04-22T18:38:00.000-07:00

View of Verrazano from Bay Ridge

I boarded the crowded express train on Friday morning. After we stopped at Canal street, 2/3rds of the train emptied out. I was standing against the door when I noticed a nasty smell. I looked at the guy next to me and I could tell he smelt it too. He glanced down at the floor in front of him. I followed his gaze and as my mind began to register the horridness of what I saw, I had to fight the urge to puke. On the floor of the subway in front of me was shit. I'd like to believe it came from a dog. A dog with runny doo. Or maybe a baby. But Fifi has assured me that it was in fact human shit I saw. The guy on the subway nonchalantly checked the bottom of his shoes. I glanced around looking at other people on the train. They were looking at it but didn't appear concerned. I knew my face betrayed my disgust. That's the thing with New Yorkers, nothing shocks them. Note to self: never wear flip flops in the city again. My Friday ended with a yoga class.

On Saturday, everyone was outside and as I was walking down the street this guy in a van looked at me and said to his friend, "Holy shit, look at the cans on that girl!" I walked to the edge of my neighborhood which borders on the Upper New York bay. I was expecting to see a beautiful body of water, but instead saw huge ships (oil tankers?) circling the bay. Garbage lined the rocks and the water was a mysterious hue. A funky odor was in the air. I saw Manhattan in the distance cloaked by a thick layer of yellow smog. Ah Brooklyn, the place I call home.

Doodletown USA

2007-04-15T20:06:00.000-07:00

Saturday I spent the day hiking in a ghost town known as Doodletown. I drove to New Jersey to pick up my ex-manager and drove upstate for an hour in an attempt to view this magical place that was once inhabitated by people until 1957 when everyone moved away. We expected to see remnants of life, but instead found land with small signs stating that a family with a beautiful Victorian house to live here. You couldn't even tell at all that anything lived there besides a wild deer. We hiked for 4 hours and saw two cemetaries and beautiful cascading waterfalls. It was a perfect day on Saturday. I spent Sunday in my house trying to avoid the Nor'Easter that has hit NYC. A quiet weekend indeed.

P.S. Is it wrong to have an intellectual crush on your new manager? You know like the "professorial" crush.

I Heart Brooklyn

2007-04-11T19:22:00.000-07:00

I had a major awakening while walking through my neighborhood last week. I love Brooklyn. I can't go so far as to say I love New York, because I don't give a shit about the other boroughs. Never been to Staten Island, The Bronx or Queens. I am less than impressed with Manhattan. There's something about Brooklyn that cannot be described until you live here. Today when I was searching for information, I stumbled upon The Brooklynites and in some way it gave me the reassurance that it was okay to love Brooklyn because millions of others do too. Brooklyn feels like a community. It has a rich history and an interesting diversity of people. Brooklyn has an attitude. Brooklyn feels like a small community within a large city. Every neighborhood in Brooklyn has its own personality and vibe. I know I will never live in another place like this.

Boutiques & Blueberry Ale

2007-04-08T11:48:00.000-07:00

I haven't been posting as frequently as I had liked. Last weekend I had the best Mexican food in all of New York City. It's difficult to find real Mexican food and every fucking Mexican and Chinese person believes they can deliver on this promise. They can't. All the Mexican food places in Manhattan are run by Chinese people. I'm fine with that, but fuck give me a real fucking taco then. So, the best Mexican I've had so far is in Greenpoint, a neighborhood in Brooklyn. Acapulco. After the Mexican food experience we headed over to the Magnetic Field to catch a Dansettes show. They were fun.

I spent all of Saturday walking around getting to know my neighborhood. Cupcake shops are all the rage in here in New York and I found a cute one a few blocks over. I finally had a tacky Red Velvet Cupcake which was delicious. I also found some cute boutiques and spent way too much on clothes. It was a Saturday morning and I had literally rolled out of bed, so I looked a bit unkempt. I felt like I was having a Pretty Woman moment when I walked into the first boutique. The shop owners didn't bother to greet me or even offer to help. I spent about $170 in their store but felt like their selection was crappy and their attitudes shitty. Bitches. I walked another block and found another boutique which had way cuter stuff and the shop owner was attentive and helpful.

I've spent the rest of my weekend watching the Netflix in my queue including Martin Scorcese's Mean Streets which is really good and drinking Blueberry Ale. Tastes like real blueberries too. As a sidenote, I have a friend who recently came from traveling in Ireland for 5 weeks. I requested a Guinness shirt and offered to give her money for it. When she got back I asked her about the shirt and she said that I could just go online and get it. Is that bullshit or what? I just can't believe that she could even say something so stupid. And, she's also wrong. The UK Guinness Webstore does not deliver to the US and has different merchandise. The US store has total crap. I just thought I'd share that because I thought it was completely lame that she didn't bring back the one thing I asked for and had the nerve to tell me to go online.

Weekend Update

2007-03-26T17:44:00.000-07:00

"New York! I've always wanted to see it and now I've seen it. It's true what they say--it's the most wonderful city in the world."
"Brooklyn's better."
"It hasn't got skyscrapers like New York, has it?"
"No. But there's a feeling about it--Oh, I can't explain it. You've got to live in Brooklyn to know."
--A Tree Grows in Brooklyn by Betty Smith, pg. 452.

I feel the same way about Brooklyn. This weekend I went to a restaurant called Bocarou which had a lounge vibe which makes for great drinks but not so great for eating dinner. The tables were too low. Afterwards we went to a place called Death & Company, named after a speakeasy from the old days. It was an awesome place, the drinks were for alcohol purists. One of the drinks had ginger beer, spiced rum, bitters, and a raw egg. On Sunday, there was a St. Patrick's day parade on my street. There were no floats, but a ton of bagpipes. It was a nice day for a parade.

5 Amazing Days in the City

2007-03-19T15:33:00.000-07:00

Its been awhile since I posted, because Cali guy came to visit for 5 days. I picked him up from the airport at 5 am on Thursday. I was slightly nervous because we haven't seen each other since January 1, and I was wondering if it was going to be awkward. We started Thursday morning with breakfast at a diner in my neighborhood and a complimentary HIV test at the Department of Health and Mental Hygiene in the ghetto of Brooklyn. Although I was sure of my negative status, I wanted him to confirm for me, so he agreed to the ghetto trip and we spent Thursday morning in the waiting room for the 20 minute test. We were one of the first people standing in line. We laughed and joked the whole time we were in the waiting room, which may have seemed pretty annoying to all the people who were stressed out about their results.

After we confirmed negative statuses, we met his brother at his apartment in Manhattan and had dinner in the East Village. The next day we met his brother again and went to see a friend in a play and then headed to some bars in the East Village. When Saturday came around, we visited Coney Island and spent some time hanging out in his brother's apartment and then went to see a Socal band called the Leperkhanz in Times Square. It was one of the best Irish pub bands I have ever seen. On Sunday we had breakfast in Manhattan and spent some time at the Met and Cali guy made dinner for his brother and I (Enchiladas and Spanish rice) while his brother made guacamole and margaritas. He left today, but we spent the morning eating the best pizza in Brooklyn and spent some time in Chinatown getting last minute souveniers for his friends.

In short, we had an amazing time--we laughed, we talked, we had so much fun. It seemed as if his high maintenance and pretentious brother liked me which is a high compliment because he generally thinks he's too good for anyone. Cali guy said he can see us having a long relationship together but and at this point, its too early to really feel like that needs to happen. We agreed on the status of where this was going, and we seem to be on the same page about everything. When we were dancing together in the Irish pub, I had this thought and I saw him in my future. Of course we are taking everything one day at a time and it seems to be working so far. I'm going to see him again in May when I go home. That was my week.

Shopping at Saks

2007-03-10T19:15:00.000-08:00

I went to Saks Fifth Avenue today. I've generally been very intimidated by the fashion scene here in NYC. I remember in Cali how I wore open toed shoes and skirts every day and clearly you cannot do that when the weather is as ridiculous as it is in the northeast. I was intimidated by walking into the store and seeing all those filthy rich people paying for their purchases in cash. I went in to get some Seven jeans and came out with a pair of Sevens, 2 Marc Jacobs shirts, 1 BCBG Maxmaria shirt, 1 BCBG Maxmaria skirt, and 1 Walter Baker top. I can't explain what came over me. I saw some of the most beautiful shirts and colors I've ever seen. I tried on dresses that cost over $300 and actually considered buying them. Suddenly, $100 for a shirt seemed cheap. It was amazing. The Dolce & Gabbana pieces were gorgeous. $773 later, I still didn't have shoes. So, tomorrow I'm going to some boutiques in Brooklyn to find some cool shit. I decided that I'm not going to be losing weight anytime soon, so might as well look good while I can.

Bingo and Bialys on a Saturday Night

2007-03-04T21:49:00.000-08:00

Friday night as I was leaving work and chatting with Cali guy on the phone, I ran into this guy I met in December. I posted about our time hanging in the Lower East Side. Anyhow, he seemed very interested in me, but I couldn't see anything more than friendship. He came up to me just as I was standing in front of the subway station. It was really bizarre because we didn't have much to talk about and he casually slipped, "I'm dating someone now" into the conversation. We made non-specific plans for a non-specfic date to get together with a "group of people". After we agreed to hang out "one of these days" we parted ways. I felt like I was on an episode of some lame drama television series.

I spent my Saturday night hanging out on the nasty part of Lower East Side at a Bingo Hall nestled between the bosom of the LES projects--a brilliant idea from a co-worker. As I begin to realize I was in the ghetto, this man missing teeth asked me if I had a twin sister because his ex-wife Charlene looked just like me. He insisted that I see the picture he claimed to have which was stuffed somewhere in his pants. I told him I had to go and walked across the street. I ended up spending 4 hours of excitement at the bargain price of 6 dollars. Of course we didn't win anything. After the rousing game of bingo, we stood outside for a bit. Suddenly, this delicious scent wafted in our direction. We went to explore and discovered the bialy. In fact, this is the exact place we went to. Fun times.

Career and Family.

2007-02-24T11:41:00.000-08:00

Much like my fellow blogger pointed out in his comments on my last post, I haven't been living up New York as much as I should be. As a result my posts consist of my desire for Cali guy and Chocolate Soy Milk. I will offer two reasons for this: 1. Its pretty cold right now, and for a warm-blooded Socal girl like myself, anything below 70 degrees is dehabilitating. 2. I live in Brooklyn, and train schedules on the weekend run wonky, so a ride into the city is an hour. Another reason I think is that I've sort of lost desire to live in New York. I enjoy the performing arts and the stuff to do, but I don't always feel like paying $50 for entertainment. I went to the most amazing flamenco performance on Tuesday and its times like that I'm thankful I live here. I've sort of come to realize that my life is sort of empty. I was always career-minded and ambitious. The sort of girl that wanted a man but didn't need one. Recently, I started to realize that I have no one to come home to, no one to share my life with. I'm starting to feel like maybe the idea that someone doesn't need another person is just hype. Maybe I was wrong. Suddenly, the idea of having a family seems appealing to me. Having a career and a family sounds ideal to me. I hear of the women who get married and have a family and never get a chance to go to school or pursue a career and harbor feelings of resentment. Lucky for me I did have the chance and now I think I want a family too. These thoughts are just developing, we'll see if this changes.

Lost is whack.

2007-02-21T19:49:00.000-08:00

Tonight's episode of Lost officially took a turn towards stupid. I knew it would eventually get there, but the whole working of Matthew Fox's tattoo into the storyline was just lame. Watching him get beat up by 5 Thai guys who looked 12 years old, over a a tattoo artist with a "gift" was stupid. The answers we were promised were not delivered. I know we are all going to get let down, but I guess it will be fun while it lasted. My relationship with Lost is much like a stagnant relationship with a guy, but you are so used to him you just sort of hang in there.

So, I booked a flight back home for Memorial day weekend. Only about 20 days until I see Cali guy. FYI, we have spoken to each other every single day since I left Cali on January 1. I've officially decided that I don't like the people I work with, but of course I'm cordial and do my best to work hard on the projects I'm assigned to. I'm going to a flamenco performance tomorrow--should be fun. No plans for the weekend, I used up all my fun last weekend hanging out with B at Bubba Gumps. I still can't believe they made a restaurant franchise from a single movie--Forrest Gump. It was a decent movie, but shit. That means that Back to the Future should get its own theme park.

Irrational Jealousy

2007-02-11T21:03:00.000-08:00

The Cali guy had a ghetto ex-girlfriend that was able to do something that he found "hot". I know this is a racy topic for even me, but I'm so insanely jealous right now and I know its so stupid so I'm sharing it. She was a squirter. She could squirt while she was orgasming. He told me this the night we met as we were talking about generic things as people do when they are getting to know each other. He then told me that it was hot. I did what I shouldn't do and I asked for more details today. He told me it wasn't all the time, but he thought it was hot, so she would do it quite frequently. When I got off the phone with him, I felt so jealous and sad. It really bothers me because she has this "talent" that he finds to be sexy and I just feel like shit. I'm not sure why. I know I should just talk to him about it, but I've never been the communicative type. I typically clam up and not say anything. I know this is so stupid. Any thoughts?

The Internal Rage

2007-02-09T18:55:00.000-08:00

I realized today that the problem is that I'm not "New York enough" for New York. I just can't be that person. I'm also convinced that I will not lose this stupid weight. Yes, my visual appearance has changed a bit in 4 months, but my weight hasn't actually moved. I know I shouldn't be worried because its muscle but, still I think I'm starting to give up. I just feel like I'm always on the verge of tears lately. It feels like a vicious cycle. I don't want to go out anymore and its too fucking cold to really want to go out anyways. I don't think I'll make friends at work the way I was sort of hoping to. I'm very reserved and keep to myself which isn't normal for me. I'm sort of trying to not spend money too, so I feel sort of stuck right now. I took three trains today to get the most fantastic chocolate soymilk I've ever had.

Mexican Dreams

2007-02-05T19:53:00.000-08:00

I had a somewhat uneventful weekend. Aside from substandard "Mexican" food which I paid $55 for, I pretty much spent time on Saturday doing my laundry which was two weeks overdue. I spent Sunday in bed because of the frigid Northeast temperatures. It was nice. I watched my Netflix picks-- two Fellini films. I've had this thing for Italian movies from the 50's lately. I just found out that I'm reporting to a new manager, which I'm very excited about. I really like him and I think I can learn a lot from him. I am still thinking incessantly about the Cali guy. But, I almost feel like I can't talk about him because everyone is so against any prospect of anything. I'm forced to keep all my thoughts and opinions to myself or risk getting reamed. The person most against this is my single friend here in New York. He reamed me for almost 2 hours a few weeks ago regarding this guy. So now I don't bring him up at all. But, I don't like not being able to talk about him with anyone. I'm one of those people who would rather risk pain than face the question of what if. What if he was the guy but I didn't pursue it because of our distance problem? Or what if he isn't the one and I end up getting hurt? I'd rather take the risk.

The Evidence

2007-01-30T21:04:00.000-08:00

This one is for you Shawn. My Cali guy sent me the emails that were sent between his cheating wife and the married man she cheated with. Yes, this seems sort of unhealthy and quite weird to be sharing this stuff with me. But, it was really bizarre to read the thoughts of two people engaged in an elicit affair. It was kind of generic and the content was rather cliche. There was only two occasions in which his name was even mentioned in the emails. There was no talk of anything except wanting to see each other and being in love with each other. In fact, it was rather dull after the first month of emails. I guess I expected some major trash talking and major stuff, but it wasnt really there. And yes my friend, you may lecture over IM tomorrow.

Living the Brooklyn Life

2007-01-28T11:12:00.000-08:00

I haven't been posting or doing much of anything online lately. I don't feel much like being social. I don't leave my house on the weekends except for laundry, gym and coffee. Its also because I'm trying to save up for a bedroom set. I got a mattress yesterday--finally, and it was the most embarassing thing ever. I got it from the Costco in Brooklyn and had to wheel it on a flatbed through the store. People were veering out of the way in fear of being runover by a queensize bed. The other people kept touching it, which I found strange. After we got it through the checkout, we had to strap it on top of the car which took another 45 minutes. During this time, we watched a man steal a parking space from another man wearing an FDNY shirt. The man got out of his car and began yelling and screaming at the guy for stealing his parking space. It was well-deserved I admit. We thought it would end in fists flying, but after 15 minutes of yelling the guy finally moved his car. Thats Brooklyn for you.

Anyhow, the online romance is still flourishing with the guy from Cali. I like this guy so much. He was married to someone I knew, more than an acquaintance but not a friend for life, and he has sent me pictures of them together when they were married, and its so difficult sometimes. Its not because she's in them, but that they looked so happy. I feel so bad that it didn't work out for them. I still remember running into her after they were married for a few years and how happy she seemed. I told him how very sorry I am that it didn't work out, and he said, "well maybe it did." He has a healthy outlook on the situation, and for someone who has undergone that kind of emotional pain, he's pretty stable. We are pretty much counting down the days until we see each other again--7 weeks. It will be nice to be near him again.

Update

2007-01-21T17:52:00.000-08:00

I haven't updated in awhile so I think I should. The biggest news is that the guy in Cali is coming to New York to visit from March 14-19. He has a brother in Manhattan so he will be visiting him too. I am super excited and can't help but compare the fact that my boyfriend for 1.5 years never made an attempt to visit me when I lived in Buffalo. Other than that, I spent the weekend with my old roommates in Connecticut taking in the best pizza I've ever had which oddly enough is in New Haven. Frank Sinatra sent his driver to get pizza from here when he was in New York--1.5 hours away. We followed that up with going to a vocal concert at Yale and later went out to have cannolis and coffee.

Sadness and Destitude

2007-01-14T13:15:00.000-08:00

I think I'm officially depressed. I didn't leave the house except to do laundry. I know I should be out and about, but I don't feel like it. I know I need to go to the gym to help raise my spirits and for overall good well-being. I just feel like I don't care right now. My friend called me to tell me she finally lost virginity at the age of 27. Go girl!

Delusions of Grandeur

2007-01-12T18:55:00.000-08:00

I was very sad as I was leaving work today. Everyone was buzzing around making plans to go get drinks after work. Of course no one asked me. My work is like high school. Everyone has a clique. It's worse than any other place I've worked at. For the most part I don't care anymore. Its days like this when I know I should be looking forward to a long weekend but I realize that I don't really have anywhere to go and that kind of burns. A subsect of a clique invited me out for drinks next week, and though this is the same group of girls that I've hung out with before, I almost don't feel like I want to go. Its all a farce anyways. Why bother? Or maybe I should maintain a clique for protection like in jail. I don't want to talk about my long distance-ish pseudo romance.

What to do...

2007-01-07T17:46:00.000-08:00

I'm still obsessing over my California love. This guy is so beautiful. 6'5'' greenish blue eyes and dark skin, black hair. He looks mediterreanean but hes half mexican and half white. We've been IM'ing, texting, emailing and phone calling. I'm not sure exactly what to do because I want him so bad. I want to fly home and shag the shit out of him. I want him to come to New York so he can shag the shit out of me. I hate to be all cliche and be like, "it means more than a shag", but it does. I felt a connection with him that I have not found since my ex. It's beyond the physical, we connected on a mental and emotional level too. We spent two days with each other and I felt like I knew him my whole life. I want to connect with him again on that level. Why do I want guys so far away from me?

Life or something like it

2007-01-06T17:58:00.000-08:00

I've been watching life pass by from the twin sized camping air mattress I'm using as a bed. Not so fun. I'm trying to buy a tv, but when I went to Target, I found myself wondering how the hell I was going to get it home. Life isn't so easy here, but it sure is fun. I went to a Sikh exhibit at the Rubin Museum of Art which is free on Fridays, and followed that up with coffee and chocolate cake at a cafe in my neighborhood. At the cafe, my friend tried his best to persuade me to go on Match.com. He insists that I should be dating men who make at least 75k a year with comparable education. He also pointed out that I'm new to New York and this would be the only opportunity to date and find my perfect match. I totally see what he saying, but I am somewhat reluctant and kind of scared. I guess its no different from meeting random guys at places and such, but still it makes me nervous. I think I'm going to wait on this for now. I have more important things to focus on like not living on the floor of my new residence.

Apologies

2007-01-03T12:17:00.000-08:00

So its come to my attention that I've turned into a pretentious jerk since living in NYC for 3 months. I will agree to that. I will also say that its difficult to go back "home" to a boring suburb after living here. No other place in the world compares to New York and its not fair to make that comparison. I think I just associate all the old things with that suburb, like ex boyfriends, high school and having nothing to do but going to the mall. I just don't think I can live in California at this stage in my life. There is so much I want to do right now that I cannot do in California. The advertising/marketing industry is huge in New York and most companies are headquartered here. Learning how to dance or knit or join a roller derby team is only a subway ride away, I can't do those things so easily in any other place. The diversity of extracurricular activities are on a grand scale here. I never meant to be a jerk, and I'm not trying to say I'm too good for Cali, and this was pointed out to me many times, but I just feel that its not where I should be right now. I need to be here, I was called to live in New York at this point in my life.