Scared Shitless

I'm scared shitless. I can't lie. Everyday I'm on Craigslist looking for apartments in areas that won't get me murdered. I've been reading the San Jose Crime Blog and cross referencing addresses of potential apartments to this Homicide Crime Map. So far many of the places I thought would be cool to live are like four blocks away from some deadly murder or multiple stabbings. Holy fuck. Is it weird that I live in Brooklyn and feel unsafe moving to suburbia? You should see me walking up and down this neighborhood with my big titties at 10:00 at night. I've never felt unsafe. On top of that, people keep telling me to live in SF and commute for the 1 hour or more to work. I just don't know if I'm ready for that right now. I may decide to do that once I'm there, but I don't think I'll do that during the first year. I'd love to live in SF, but I will move when I'm ready.

Today I got a text from an H.S. friend, today which said, "I hope u find what ur looking for in CA". Me too. I guess I had never thought of it that way. All I know is that I felt that I will never have the kind of life I want in NYC. I can't have roommates at the age of 35. I don't see any bf in sight to move in with me and share rent, and I've never wanted to live with someone before marriage. Don't ask me why, its not religious really, because I will fuck my boyfriends until they are begging me to stop, all while parked in front of an elementary school. But, I digress...NYC is a great place, but it can never be the place that will bring me to a comfortable existence. If I was happier at my current job, I probably would have stayed for another year or so.

On some level, I knew my stay on the east coast would never be permanent. I'm a west coastie on the inside. I guess what I'm looking for is to find myself in a place of contentment. I'm not sure if just being in Cali will do that. I think its the whole picture. I can live alone, I will be working for a great company with a great reputation and the very real possibility of moving up in my position. Things might suck there too, but I will be closer to home and close to very beautiful places such as Napa, SF, Santa Cruz and Monterey. Yeah I'm very nervous and super scared. In some way NYC has instilled that fear in me. But, I lived through it, and I know tons of people who will never live in NYC. But I did. And I got out alive. A bit scarred, but alive.