Dream like you'll live forever
I finally got the on-site interview on Thursday with the online auction company based out of San Jose. They got me a hotel room, a rental car and they are paying for my flight. I asked them to extend my flight until Saturday so I can spend an extra day and a half hanging out in that area. A girl who used to be a really good friend lives there, but I don't think we will be friends anymore. Our conversations are lackluster and she doesn't seem concerned about me anymore. I've been thinking a lot about my current situation, and by moving away, I definitely lost a few friends. But, I also kept some and even made some new ones a long the way. I don't have any close friends in NYC right now, and I may not have any in Cali if I do end up moving back, but I'm starting to feel like this is supposed to be part of my journey. Maybe I'm supposed to learn how to rely on myself. I don't know. All I know is that I am not the same person I was a year ago before I moved to New York. I don't think I'll ever be that naive again.
posted by cherie @ 6:41 PM
2 Comments:
sometimes life changes us for the better, sometimes for worse. you will always have friends in cali, and when you move here, i promise to visit more.
and now, for my blog...
"conflicted"
im so tired of this game. so completely tired. and it is a game. ive never played so competitively in all of my life. but why should i have to play? i feel that im at a point in my life where i deserve to not have to be so challenged by this. and by this i mean love. more than anyone i know, i have been through so much. i deserve like 100,000 dating gold stars for some of this shit ive put up with. i like aaron. a lot. so much so that i find myself wanting to do things with him sexually that i never even thought id want to do with anyone. he has so much personality. he has an energy that makes me feel alive. he is fun to be with. he has tons of friends, all of whom adore him, and rightfully so. he reminds me of darin. so much. and i don’t know if that’s a good or a bad thing yet. he has all of the qualities of darin that i loved. i love being with this guy. but he keeps insisting on taking things "slow". and we are talking snails pace here. but i cant take it slow when the sex is as amazing as it is. and it is AMAZING. i haven’t had this much chemistry with someone in a very long time. i love the way we kiss. i love the way i feel when he is lying next to me cuddling. i love the way he smiles when i tell him how beautiful he is. and i know that if i can just be patient enough, that this could be something totally amazing. but i want him now. i want him to say that he feels exactly the way that i do, and that he wants to be with me. and just me. but i also realize that that need has nothing to do with aaron. i am so fucked up emotionally when it comes to dating (and other things), that i don’t even know my right from left anymore. things with aaron are actually good, but i have this internal dialogue that tells me otherwise, and it drives me fucking crazy. last night on my way home from his house, i felt exhausted. and not because of the amazing sex, but because i feel i should be somewhere different by this point in my life. i should be with someone who makes me feel stable and secure. but what does that even mean? like my parents? who are so completely miserable with each other after 30 years, that they really are no better off than i am. is anyone? and maybe what attracts me to him the most is the uncertainty of it all...so much of my life has been based on certainty, that maybe what i am subconsciously craving is this lack of it. is this illusion of love that all of us are endlessly searching and longing for even real? how do people stay "happy" with someone indefinitely? i feel like every time i get a taste of it, it goes away. and i dont know how much more of that i can take. if aaron doesn’t go away on his own, i feel like i will inevitably do something to make it happen. and who wants to live like that? so im either single and alone, or self-sabotaging my current prospective relationship. what is that?!? why is that?!? i cant even say that i see the possibility of clarity on the horizon, because i don’t. all i can see is gray area. and i hate it. i feel like i have an addiction to love. the euphoria that is "love". i want to be in it so desperately. and so i search for it endlessly. like a fucking mariah carey song. but the love i am searching for might not even be real. and that is something i don’t think i can live with. what will have been the purpose of my life if i didn’t get to share it with someone amazing?
First things first, thanks for honoring my blog with your posting. Secondly, this situation with Aaron is not any different from anything else you've been in.
The bottom line is this: you deserve better, he's not giving you what you deserve. You have to learn that if anyone gives you less than what you want say goodbye. This is the way it works. It feels unnatural for people like us, but its the way normal people get the kind of healthy relationships we crave. Seriously. Read the damn "He's not into you" book. I promise its worth it.
P.S. I think what we experience is not a healthy love, so no you won't get what you are looking for when its the right person, you'll get something calmer and deeper. And that's okay.
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