Emotional Detox

I saw a girl crying on the subway today. Black eyeliner was smeared all over her face. She covered her face as she began to cry again. It didn't matter, because you could still hear her sniffles. Everyone around her was trying not to notice. I couldn't take my eyes off her. I found myself hoping she was crying over a guy and not something more serious. You can't hide your shame on the subway.

I had a major breakthrough in therapy today. I feel as if I'm purging myself of all the emotional bullshit that has been clogging my mind for probably 20 years. At work I am constantly told by my bosses that I have really high expectations of myself and that has mostly to do with my dad making me feel like I'm not good enough. Of course that carries over to my relationships with men. In every relationship I have done so much and given so much of myself. In my situation with Chris I gave all of myself to him emotionally and physically. I did things with him physically that I've never done with anyone else and would never let anyone else do to me. Only to be dropped for a stupid girl. And I'm left feeling used. I've allowed this to happen countless times, all because I've never felt good enough. I think I need to use this time to really learn how to rely on myself. I'm used to making emotional deposits into other people but not myself. Its me time.

In terms of my career, I'm still not happy with the way things are going at my current job and I'm going to speak to my manager tomorrow about it. I don't feel like I'm moving forward at all and quite frankly, like no one cares about me. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, but don't they know who I am? I feel like I have to keep reminding myself of where I came from to keep myself sane.

P.S. this blog has been a therapeutic tool for me, so I apologize for its serious tone right now and that I'm not making you laugh. Unless you are laughing at my misery, which kinda makes you an asshole.