The Battle

I had made a personal promise to myself to not blog while depressed. After giving it some thought, I decided that I would be doing myself a disservice. This blog was created as a documentation of my experiences while living in New York and that includes all my activities, thoughts, feelings, and reflections on the entire experience. After returning from Boston, I thought I would feel some sense of happiness or some feeling of thank goodness I'm home. No such thing. I felt an immediate sense of oppression and just an overarching feeling of melancholy.

I realize that I'm depressed because I am usually pretty good at going to the gym, but I just can't bring myself to do anything that requires me to be outside my room right now. I now understand how depression just feeds the bad behavior. I also know that to get through that I have to force myself. It feels like a vicious cycle. I'm trying a different strategy, I brought my gym clothes to work and decided that I would try going to the gym afterwards so I wouldn't really feel like I'm leaving my house, I'd be leaving my work. I know it sounds stupid, but at this point I'm really trying to dig myself out of this abyss. I am so tired of feeling so sad and so unhappy all the time and I don't want to just go out and spend money because that will just make me go broke. I can't take a trip every weekend.

Its really hard to try to keep up the facade that I live in this great city but really I just want to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge. Okay, not funny. I'm trying though, I really am. I'm trying to do what I can to not feel this way anymore.