So Long, Farewell

My time in Cali has been bittersweet. I tried to enjoy my time here with Chris in between squeezing in time with my family and friends and of course his family and friends. A couple of days into the trip, I started to notice that he wasn't as affectionate with me as he had been in New York. Of course, this lead to question his behavior silently. It all came to a point, last night when we were at a local casino. I asked him, "Are you interested in me?" and with that came a very long conversation of where we thought we were and where we thought it was going. I basically told him that I have been falling in love with him and felt that he is holding back emotionally from me. He agreed that he has been guarded and cautious about me and then dropped a huge bombshell. He said that he felt that he hasn't felt a deeper connection with me and he wasn't saying that it couldn't happen, it just wasn't there just yet. To this I cried and told him that the emotional parameters he has put on our situation has been largely of his doing and that I have felt some emotional connection with him. After further probing, he admit that he has held back the displays of affection in order to "not confuse the situation". We talked for hours, in circles and based on these facts from him:

1. He hasn't felt an emotional connection with me.

2. He is emotionally guarded.

3. He is pulling back on the displays of affection.

And these facts from me:

1. I have done everything possible to see him.

2. I have reached a point of trying to decide to shit or get off the pot.

3. I have started to fall in love with him.

I decided that I will no longer put in any effort into our future. I'm not going to fly home every couple of months, I'm not going to pick up the phone, IM, or text message on a regular basis anymore just because its him. I'm just over it. He still wants to take me to the airport, and being the kind of person I am, I'm going to let him. I'm not exactly sure if I'm making the right decision, part of me feels like he may need more time. He has expressed that he feels that he doesn't know me as well as he should in order to find the answer to my questions. And that may be true, but I just know that I've given everything to this and if he needs to find his answers he can, but I'm not going to be 100% involved anymore. I'm going to be 27% involved. I'm not going to say that I don't ever want to talk to him again, but I'm no longer interested in a relationship beyond friendship. And I still can't help thinking that he has probably made a mistake by forcing me to bump him down to friend status, but thats a mistake that I can't control. Now, I'm off to delete my myspace account. I'm over it.