Career and Family.

Much like my fellow blogger pointed out in his comments on my last post, I haven't been living up New York as much as I should be. As a result my posts consist of my desire for Cali guy and Chocolate Soy Milk. I will offer two reasons for this: 1. Its pretty cold right now, and for a warm-blooded Socal girl like myself, anything below 70 degrees is dehabilitating. 2. I live in Brooklyn, and train schedules on the weekend run wonky, so a ride into the city is an hour. Another reason I think is that I've sort of lost desire to live in New York. I enjoy the performing arts and the stuff to do, but I don't always feel like paying $50 for entertainment. I went to the most amazing flamenco performance on Tuesday and its times like that I'm thankful I live here. I've sort of come to realize that my life is sort of empty. I was always career-minded and ambitious. The sort of girl that wanted a man but didn't need one. Recently, I started to realize that I have no one to come home to, no one to share my life with. I'm starting to feel like maybe the idea that someone doesn't need another person is just hype. Maybe I was wrong. Suddenly, the idea of having a family seems appealing to me. Having a career and a family sounds ideal to me. I hear of the women who get married and have a family and never get a chance to go to school or pursue a career and harbor feelings of resentment. Lucky for me I did have the chance and now I think I want a family too. These thoughts are just developing, we'll see if this changes.

Lost is whack.

Tonight's episode of Lost officially took a turn towards stupid. I knew it would eventually get there, but the whole working of Matthew Fox's tattoo into the storyline was just lame. Watching him get beat up by 5 Thai guys who looked 12 years old, over a a tattoo artist with a "gift" was stupid. The answers we were promised were not delivered. I know we are all going to get let down, but I guess it will be fun while it lasted. My relationship with Lost is much like a stagnant relationship with a guy, but you are so used to him you just sort of hang in there.

So, I booked a flight back home for Memorial day weekend. Only about 20 days until I see Cali guy. FYI, we have spoken to each other every single day since I left Cali on January 1. I've officially decided that I don't like the people I work with, but of course I'm cordial and do my best to work hard on the projects I'm assigned to. I'm going to a flamenco performance tomorrow--should be fun. No plans for the weekend, I used up all my fun last weekend hanging out with B at Bubba Gumps. I still can't believe they made a restaurant franchise from a single movie--Forrest Gump. It was a decent movie, but shit. That means that Back to the Future should get its own theme park.

Irrational Jealousy

The Cali guy had a ghetto ex-girlfriend that was able to do something that he found "hot". I know this is a racy topic for even me, but I'm so insanely jealous right now and I know its so stupid so I'm sharing it. She was a squirter. She could squirt while she was orgasming. He told me this the night we met as we were talking about generic things as people do when they are getting to know each other. He then told me that it was hot. I did what I shouldn't do and I asked for more details today. He told me it wasn't all the time, but he thought it was hot, so she would do it quite frequently. When I got off the phone with him, I felt so jealous and sad. It really bothers me because she has this "talent" that he finds to be sexy and I just feel like shit. I'm not sure why. I know I should just talk to him about it, but I've never been the communicative type. I typically clam up and not say anything. I know this is so stupid. Any thoughts?

The Internal Rage

I realized today that the problem is that I'm not "New York enough" for New York. I just can't be that person. I'm also convinced that I will not lose this stupid weight. Yes, my visual appearance has changed a bit in 4 months, but my weight hasn't actually moved. I know I shouldn't be worried because its muscle but, still I think I'm starting to give up. I just feel like I'm always on the verge of tears lately. It feels like a vicious cycle. I don't want to go out anymore and its too fucking cold to really want to go out anyways. I don't think I'll make friends at work the way I was sort of hoping to. I'm very reserved and keep to myself which isn't normal for me. I'm sort of trying to not spend money too, so I feel sort of stuck right now. I took three trains today to get the most fantastic chocolate soymilk I've ever had.

Mexican Dreams

I had a somewhat uneventful weekend. Aside from substandard "Mexican" food which I paid $55 for, I pretty much spent time on Saturday doing my laundry which was two weeks overdue. I spent Sunday in bed because of the frigid Northeast temperatures. It was nice. I watched my Netflix picks-- two Fellini films. I've had this thing for Italian movies from the 50's lately. I just found out that I'm reporting to a new manager, which I'm very excited about. I really like him and I think I can learn a lot from him. I am still thinking incessantly about the Cali guy. But, I almost feel like I can't talk about him because everyone is so against any prospect of anything. I'm forced to keep all my thoughts and opinions to myself or risk getting reamed. The person most against this is my single friend here in New York. He reamed me for almost 2 hours a few weeks ago regarding this guy. So now I don't bring him up at all. But, I don't like not being able to talk about him with anyone. I'm one of those people who would rather risk pain than face the question of what if. What if he was the guy but I didn't pursue it because of our distance problem? Or what if he isn't the one and I end up getting hurt? I'd rather take the risk.