I did it.

I took the plunge and signed up for Match.com. I did it because I really want to be with Chris, but it seems that I want him and he doesn't really feel the way I do. I think I need to meet other people to get over him, and this is the easiest way I know how. I have to admit, my stomach turned a little bit when I completed my profile and saw the pictures of some of the men on there. I'm really not looking forward to this. Not at all. I feel like I'm dating for all the wrong reasons. I hate dating, and have never really dated. I just sort of started out hanging out with friends who became more. Gosh, I feel so sad.

My messy life

I woke up this morning and just wanted to cry. I took a shower and debated whether or not to call in sick because I just don't feel like going to work. My life feels like a mess. I don't think it has anything to do with Chris, rather I think me trying to push us forward so quickly is a result of how horrible I feel about my life right now. I'm not happy. Not at all. I have no idea how to become happy. I just can't get myself to feel better. I haven't had an anxiety attack in a few weeks, but now I just want to cry all the time. I do realize that happiness is a short-lived emotion, but I'm not even content right now.

Epilogue

I've begun to accept the situation with Chris and I. I feel good about the decisions I have made from start to finish regarding this short affair. 5 months and 3 weeks ago, we had our first conversation and felt the immediate connection. Though I lived 3,000 miles away, we explored the possibility. For this I cannot feel any regret. Not knowing is worse than not trying for me. So now I know, it was a dead end. I did learn so much from this situation that I think I can take with me to my next journey. I've learned that emotionally, I have been very much affected by my last relationship, leading to many feelings of doubt and insecurities about myself. I have also felt as if Chris has given me hope that there are men still left in the world that are good. He was the first man to make me feel as if my thoughts and feelings were important and really pressed me to communicate through the times I didn't want to. Communication is not a strong area for me, and I felt that some of the minor issues we had could have escalated into more if he hadn't forced me to communicate with him. It seems I have a knack for being attracted to men who are reluctant to give themselves emotionally to me. Overall, I'm not as disappointed as I thought I would be. Incredibly hurt yes. I was really falling for this guy. I'm just glad that I finally had the strength to let it go. I just hope I didn't make a mistake. Part of me feels that 5 months may not be enough for someone to decide how they feel about me.

So Long, Farewell

My time in Cali has been bittersweet. I tried to enjoy my time here with Chris in between squeezing in time with my family and friends and of course his family and friends. A couple of days into the trip, I started to notice that he wasn't as affectionate with me as he had been in New York. Of course, this lead to question his behavior silently. It all came to a point, last night when we were at a local casino. I asked him, "Are you interested in me?" and with that came a very long conversation of where we thought we were and where we thought it was going. I basically told him that I have been falling in love with him and felt that he is holding back emotionally from me. He agreed that he has been guarded and cautious about me and then dropped a huge bombshell. He said that he felt that he hasn't felt a deeper connection with me and he wasn't saying that it couldn't happen, it just wasn't there just yet. To this I cried and told him that the emotional parameters he has put on our situation has been largely of his doing and that I have felt some emotional connection with him. After further probing, he admit that he has held back the displays of affection in order to "not confuse the situation". We talked for hours, in circles and based on these facts from him:

1. He hasn't felt an emotional connection with me.

2. He is emotionally guarded.

3. He is pulling back on the displays of affection.

And these facts from me:

1. I have done everything possible to see him.

2. I have reached a point of trying to decide to shit or get off the pot.

3. I have started to fall in love with him.

I decided that I will no longer put in any effort into our future. I'm not going to fly home every couple of months, I'm not going to pick up the phone, IM, or text message on a regular basis anymore just because its him. I'm just over it. He still wants to take me to the airport, and being the kind of person I am, I'm going to let him. I'm not exactly sure if I'm making the right decision, part of me feels like he may need more time. He has expressed that he feels that he doesn't know me as well as he should in order to find the answer to my questions. And that may be true, but I just know that I've given everything to this and if he needs to find his answers he can, but I'm not going to be 100% involved anymore. I'm going to be 27% involved. I'm not going to say that I don't ever want to talk to him again, but I'm no longer interested in a relationship beyond friendship. And I still can't help thinking that he has probably made a mistake by forcing me to bump him down to friend status, but thats a mistake that I can't control. Now, I'm off to delete my myspace account. I'm over it.

The Cali Suburban Life

I just finished my jalapeno bagel and butterscotch flavored coffee in the warm Cali sunshine. Home of the "Indian and Proud of It!" license plates. In fact, I think I'm going to change the name of my surburban city to Native America. Yesterday, Cali and his friend came over to my house to cook enchiladas for my mom and I. I have no car, so I had to walk to the store. No one walks in Cali. Thanks to the power of myspace, while I was at the store, I ran into Cali guy's slutty former fuckbuddy. I saw her face and knew immediately it was her. This town is too fucking small. Later on, Cali guy and I went to his property which is in BFE Native America, and we had a fuck fest. I got a Brazilian wax on Tuesday, and ladies, let me tell you, its worth it. It's 77 degrees today, very little humidity.

$12 Bellinis and Juniors

Saturday, the girl I met a few months ago, (the jewwannabe) called me to see if I wanted to go to Taj, a lounge in the city. I didn't feel much like going out, but because I've made such a huge fuss of not having friends here, I decided to suck it up and do it. This girl was born and raised in Brooklyn, and true Brooklynites never leave Brooklyn. We went the lounge and had free Merlot and decided we wanted to go to Juniors, but because the one in Brooklyn was too hard to get to, we went to the one in Times Square. After we had our mac n' cheese and dessert, we went to the W hotel around the corner to the lounge called the Living Room. We hung out there people watching and guessing which states the people were from. I had a $12 bellini, which was worth the price. I actually decided last night that I liked her. Of course, she's a devout Catholic girl who is also a 26-year old virgin, but as long as she doesn't judge my foul mouth and debaucherous ways, we will get along just fine.

Happy Times

I totally became unraveled this morning. All my pent up aggression and frustration came to a head this morning as I was walking to the subway station. I was on the phone with Cali guy, and I unexpectedly ruptured. I was yelling on the top of my lungs while I was crossing the street, "I'm almost thirty and I have nothing. Nothing! Nothing to show for my life..." To this he responded, "You have 2 Master's degrees and a career." Anyway, I had an hour subway ride to collect my irrational thoughts.

After watching Lost tonight, I decided I would do what Charlie did on the show. Write down my five favorite memories. This won't really mean anything to anyone, but this is going to act as a therapeutic relief for me.

5. Driving down the 15 freeway with my sunroof open, wearing my sunglasses and feeling the sun on my skin.

4. Graduating from my undergrad institution. I worked really hard and it surprised me.

3. Driving through five states from Buffalo to Atlanta during Autumn.

2. Driving from Buffalo to New York City with my car packed to the rim to start my new life.

1. My trip to San Francisco with people I don't talk to anymore. I got so drunk I had alcohol poisioning and couldn't get out of bed until 5pm the next day. But we had a shit load of fun.

I think being stuck in the negativity of everyday life has gotten me so far off course of rationality that I need to remind myself of when I was happy. Not to say that I'm not happy, I'm okay.

Other People's Talents

Today we had a creative meeting and the co-owner of a company named Tronic showcased their work. It became very clear to me that some people in the world are incredibly brilliant and creative. And then there's people like me. I just feel so overwhelmed by other people's talents. And again, I'm having a "am I in the right career" crisis.

Almost 30 and Single

Today it just dawned on me that I may still be single by the time I turn 30. Today that seemed like a scary thing. I'm not one to jump into anything, so I have to factor in "dating" time before a possible engagement and eventual marriage. And of course, there is no groom to speak of on the horizon. I tried to imagine not being married. It wouldn't be horrible I guess, but I know all of my friends will be happily married around me, and I'd be the lonely duck without a man. As we get older, the pool of men gets smaller and filled with baggage like child support and ex-wives. If that isn't the case, the bachelors left over are single for a reason. I sort of always pictured myself as having a prospect for marriage by the time I turn 30. Looks like things don't always turn out the way I want them to.

A day in Williamsburg

Brooklyn is a big place, and today I dusted off the ole' Honda and took the 10 minute drive to the other side of the world--Williamsburg. Home of the hipsters. Two things brought me to Williamsburg, the Brooklyn Brewery and a southern cooking shack. I went with my co-worker and her husband to meet another co-worker who lives in the neighborhood. We walked 10 blocks to the Brooklyn Brewery to take advantage of the $3 beers. The beer tasted like ass. There's a lot Brooklyn is known for, beer will not be one of them. We got a bit tipsy and walked another 15 blocks to Pies and Thighs. I dropped $19 on fried chicken, baked beans, mac n'cheese, a lemonade and a doughnut. I still can't believe I paid that much. The chicken was good and so was the lemonade, but everything else was eh. I told myself I was paying for the experience. I have to admit, my opinion of Williamsburg has changed, its not the decrepit sugar refinery place I had imagined. Though it is filled with hipsters who dress like homeless people. Since when did it become fashionable to look like southern white trash?

I'm the Girl your Mama Warned you About

Since when did I become the vixen? This is the question I ask myself. I've always considered myself a good girl. The kind of girl you can bring home to mama. I've never had a one night stand. In the past I've been well liked by the mamas of the sons I've dated. Primarily because their sons were scumbags and mama knew they couldn't get any better. I was a college educated girl with no baby daddys or failed marriages. Clearly I was not interested in their son for money.

Recently, I've started to notice a shift in the type of guys I date and their mamas. My ex had a mama from hell. She didn't like me from the beginning. I couldn't figure out why. I have a graduate degree, goals, ambitions, no kids, and no failed marriages. She should want her son to be with an emotionally healthy ambitious woman like myself. I'd take good care of her son.

After a conversation with Cali guy I realized that Cali guy's mom probably wouldn't like me either. She didnt like his ex wife because she felt that she wasn't good enough for her son. She wasn't college educated, she came from a broken home filled with abuse and didnt have a daddy. Okay fine. Based on the criteria, I am totally good enough for her son. But, suddenly I realized that I'm the vixen. She'll take one look at me and know her son wants to do me doggy style in the back of her minivan. And of course its my fault. Sorry mama, I can't help it if your son likes to fuck me. Maybe it would make you feel better if you knew I made more money than him. Then you would know I'm not in it for the cash.

Burning Bridges

I feel like I've been burning my bridges big time lately. I've made my last and final attempt to contact my friend in Georgia. I have called her twice and text messaged with no response. I finally sent her an email today and decided that this would be the final step. I also deleted another close friend's myspace today. Which I felt really guilty about later on, so I messaged her telling her it was an accident. I haven't talked to her since she informed me that she didn't bring me a Guinness shirt from Ireland. I'm sort of not talking to my friend here in Brooklyn either. The list goes on. I've always considered myself a good friend, at this point, I'm thinking I'm more of an asshole than a friend. An asshole who drives those close to me a way. These are people I've known for at least 5 years. I feel sort of bad about the whole thing. I wish I could control myself better when it comes to these matters. I'm thinking of deleting my myspace account, because it has contributed more to drama than it does help. Once you've held a spot in the coveted "Top 8", one can't help but be offended when they are no longer in the Top 8. Its juvenile, I know.