California Dreaming

I can't wait to go back to New York, the hectic life of inconvenience. I've decided that I am completely not into Cali at all. I've outgrown this area and Cali in general. The nail in the coffin was going to a club at our local casino on Thursday. Everyone was so ghetto looking and the music was pure gangster rap, the kind that only gangsters dance to. I had lunch with my ex from high school and the lunch ended in him crying because he regrets that I am no longer in his life. As we were eating he started to cry in public. It was kind of awkward. He says that he loves me and will always love me. We haven't been together since 1999. We were really young, and I do believe he is sorry for what he did to me, but I kept telling him that it was a long time ago and that it doesn't matter anymore. I don't have any feelings for him at all, but I don't have the nerve to tell him that. I rarely think about him. While he was confessing, I kept thinking, why couldn't my most recent ex feel this way about me. I'm still in love with him, if it was only him that was still in love with me. Our lunch date ended with a rump in the sack. Might as well, sex with ex doesn't bring the numbers up. It wasn't all that though. Probably would have had more eventful sex by myself.

Web 2.0

I love everything Web 2.0ish, although I still wonder how long we will need to be social networking and blogging. Every new Web 2.0 application seems to revolve around both of these functionalities and the ability to customize. I was using Yahoo's My Web, and found this site, which is basically a directory of all Web 2.0 apps. Pretty cool. Some stuff is new, some stuff has been done before. Overall, I like the general interaction of the site. Check it out. Incidentally, making Salma ugly is courtesy of one of these fabulous Web 2.0 apps.

Out of Sight, Out of Mind

After talking to my mom about the frustration I'm having with my "friends", she said "Out of sight, out of mind. You moved away, they have their own lives now. A Christmas card once a year is what you should expect." After she said this, I realized that she was right. I know these people would make time to see me when I'm in town, but its the time away that I don't hear from them very often. Incidentally, they don't read my blog so I can say whatever I want about them too. I'm over it. I thought that friendships could last over long distances, but I guess I was wrong. Time to start new in the New Year, and I guess I need to double time on making new friends.

Hello Cali!

I only got 1.5 hours of sleep last night because I was packing for my 10 day trip to Cali and moving out of my current living situation at once. I am glad to be rid of that bitch landlord and 7 roommates. Now I will have one Trinidadian roommate and an Ecuador born roommate who recently converted to be a Muslim. While viewing the landscape from the plane window, I was taken aback by the beauty of California landscape. I always forget how beautiful the land is. How green and blue and filled with hills and water it is. Its a beautiful state and every time I come home I wonder how I could ever leave. The weather was around 67 degrees today. I remembered how I used to lay on the sidewalk of my backyard and just absorb the sunlight, I like how it felt on my skin. I also remember staring at the night sky so full of stars when I was young wondering about my future. California is still the place I think of as home and where some of the most painful and awesome memories I've ever had took place. Somehow I began to equate going home to live permanantly in California as a failure. Probably because everyone I have ever known rarely leaves. I love this state, and maybe some day I'll come back, but not before I crack New York.

Goodbye New York!

I'm going home for 10 days and I am really excited. I'm so tired of all these people. I love New York but there's people everywhere. On the train I'm up against strangers, in the department store people are bumping into you a million times, at the restaurant the tables are literally 2 inches away from each other and its not uncommon to have buttocks in your face as people are trying to squeeze through. This is the life. So, its nice to have a break from New York for a bit. I can't decide if I will ever live elsewhere. Sometimes I see myself going back to California in 7 years, but part of me knows that New York is a hard city to live in but its also hard to leave. My view of other cities are already colored. San Francisco once enchanted me, and now it bores me. I've also gotten used to the change in weather that is rarely if ever seen in Southern California. I have a long time to think about this.

Drunk Blogging

Tonight was my holiday party. I drank about 7 glasses of white wine and 2 bellinis. Its hard being new to because I didn't really know too many people. I looked pretty good though. I got a lot of compliments, someone said I looked glamourous and someone else said beautiful. That makes me happy, because I'm still not the size I want to be. I was waiting around for someone to do something stupid, but that event didn't happen during the time I was there. I had a sad day today at work, because I haven't found my clique yet. I still feel like I'm on the outside. I also learned that new people in my position don't last very long when they are hired. I told someone that I have been at the company for 3 months and he said that was a long time. Scary. I'm not worried. I worked at a group home for two years. Nothing beats that. Its too bad it ended in a weird termination and unemployment court situation because the group home was probably one of the better jobs I had. I left that party somewhat early and somewhat drunk. I also have to say that I am extremely annoyed at the fact that Will Smith's new movie has a gross misspelling (happyness?). I hate spelling errors with a passion.

Life in New York

I can't stress enough how difficult living in New York can be. I decided to go shopping this weekend at Macy's Herald Square, the largest department store in the world they claim. Of course, everyone and their mama was there. It's 8 levels with a McDonald's and Auntie Anne's and other restaurants too. Constantly people are bumping into you and getting service takes forever. Sometimes I wonder how this city functions. Anyhow, I went to a flamenco performance on Friday night and it cemented my desire to learn how to flamenco dance. Nothing new to report except that I still get those "oh shit" moments when I think about living in New York. I was walking to work from Union Square, and I was like "Oh shit, I live in New York!" Anything you want to do you can do here. I was invited to a Haitian dance class yesterday.

Vaginas and Champagne Cocktails

What started as a post-work Friday drink with some girls from work turned into the vagina monologues. It started when one of the girls told us she used to have three vaginas as a result of being a DES daughter. She described one as a pocket and the other as an actual vagina. Following that gem of a story was an admission from another girl to having genital herpes. Those of you who know me, know my fascination with herpes. Of course I pumped her for information. She said the first two outbreaks was something she wouldn't wish on her worst enemy. She also said the rest of the outbreaks aren't too bad and when she feels it coming on, she just rests and lays down. She has a live in boyfriend who she has been with for 3 years. She said she got it from a one night stand. She also said that typically you feel it coming on and you avoid sex during those times, but otherwise her doctor said she doesn't have to tell anyone she has it, because the transmission rate is low when she's not feeling sick. Scary. Following the monologues I headed over to the park avenue cafe with some old friends from Conneticut and had really delicious food. After 8:30, you get an appetizer, entree, and dessert for the price of your age. I had a dish with black truffle for the first time and it was delicious. Heading to the city to watch a flamenco performance at a restaurant tonight.

Ignored

So a really uncomfortable situation happened at work today. My creative lead met with me and two other people and gave us his vision for a prototype. He was very clear about what he wanted. The project then went to visual design and suddenly things weren't where they were supposed to be. Each team has someone from marketing, copywriting, visual design and a user interface designer. I recognized that the visual design didn't match what we had talked about. I mentioned a couple of things regarding this and I was ignored. I also didn't mention things when I should of have. When our creative lead came back from Boston, he had an early morning meeting with us to figure out why things got messed up. It wasn't a horrible mess luckily. I asked him later if it was my fault, and he said he blamed the whole team. He wasn't upset or anything, but I felt really bad. I didn't have the confidence to speak up when I should have and when I did mention some things no one listened. Overall, I still felt that I contributed to that project, but I just need to work on being confident and comfortable in my role. Things have gotten a little better at work, I'm starting to grasp my job better. I really enjoy working in teams. I find that when your project manager sucks, its all down hill. I'm buying a dress this weekend for our holiday party being held at Cipriani.

Kind words and Life

I had dinner with the former Dean of my graduate program and his wife today in the Upper East side. Very very sweet people. The food was absolutely excellent and completely affordable. I will be going there again. They told me that I am the one that represents success of the program. They told me they were proud of me and the things I have done. I was blown away with their kind words. I told them that many of my classmates were also very successful as well. Sometimes I look at my life and wonder where it all went. I didnt blow through college, I meandered. I'm a product of state colleges. But then I look at my life as a whole and I think I can be proud of my accomplishments. I have a very spotty past and there was a time when college seemed like the light of a very dark tunnel. I also received a lot of negativity and people who didn't think I would finish college. Eventually I did. The worst events of my life became the catalyst to finish school. I saw my future if I didn't go to school, and I was destined to be the wife of a blue collar worker with one child and one divorce in a shitty suburb. Life is so interesting sometimes. I can look back and point out specific decisions that altered the course of my life. Finishing the second Master's degree was the decision that changed everything for me. If I hadn't done the second degree I wouldn't have gotten into the industry I'm in, and I definitely wouldn't have moved to New York. When I left California, I had every intention of coming back. I'm glad I didn't. I'm content here. What I keep telling myself is stay flexible. Things change all the time, I just have to be ready.

Herpe Birthday

So, it turns out most of my really good friends didn't even wish me a happy birthday. Fuck em'. I'm done. I get that everyone is busy and shit. I work 8-10 hours a day with a 90 minute commute in between. I'm pretty busy too. I'm really disappointed and decided that I will not call any of them again. If they want to talk to me they can call me or leave a message. Thanks Shawn for remembering. Anyhow I broke down again at work yesterday distraught that no one gives a fuck about me and that it seems that everyone else knows my job better than me. Another UI was in the bathroom at the time, who did her undergrad at Harvard, and was an architect in her former life from NYU's School of Architecture. She consoled me telling me she doesn't know whats going on either. She's been here for 6 months and is extremely smart. I know this is a "don't give up" kind of thing. But shit, its hard. Frustrating and hard.

On that note, I love my agency to death, but I think its time some ground rules be laid down. I'm tired of everyone's cell phone ringing during work time, the cranking up of music in cubicle quadrants, and people deciding to end the work day at 5:00 and drinking and playing music while others are trying to work. I get that its a creative agency, but someone needs to lay down some rules. Shit. So, my birthday was spent with a co-worker and her husband, a couple of margaritas, an amstel light and a guinness and a whole lot of herpes jokes. Because we all know how much I love to talk about herpes.

Why I love Myspace.

At the risk of sounding like a 16 year old horny sophmore, I need to post about the wonders of myspace and why it is more than just another place on the web to congegrate with child molesters and stalkers. I live 3000 miles away from home. Many of my friends dont even live there anymore, they are sprinkled all over the usa now, and we are in different timezones with different cell phone plans. Many of them are students and dont have free time to catch up on life. So myspace works as a friendship management system for me. I've been able to catch up on old friends and learn that a few boys in high school had a crush on me. Thanks for waiting this long to tell me!

Most of the communication between my friends and I take place through sending each other messages and posting random comments on each other's pages. I have so much fun reading the horrendous comments and hilarious pictures that people leave me on my comment board. Its a constant reminder of how fantastic my friends are (yes, even the glitter graphics). An added bonus of myspace is that it is fairly customizable. of course, for those who are not web savvy, you can generate a horrendous background and color scheme and use font no one can read for your page. Or if you know some css and basic html, you can copy and tweak code that someone has been graciously willing to share. Add a few photoshop pics to personalize the page and its all you.

Myspace music. lately I have a regimen, I use pandora to find super awesome music and when I hear a band I like, I immediately go to myspace and see if they are there. Usually they are, and I can sample the music and see if it was just one song that was good. I dont use the videos feature, and quite frankly I'm not a youtuber. Mostly because the youtubes I've seen has revolved around some pimply teenagers singing or rocking out in their room. Boring. So, i dont really care for videos.

now the gripes...
It takes too fing long to load! Yes, there are millions of people on at once that is probably why. Fix it! From a ui perspective, the error messaging and random errors that occur are hard to interpret. Sometimes they are red in small text, sometimes its in black text. I've developed a habit of copying every email i send, because theres an 85% chance there will be an error in sending it. The blogging feature I only use when i need to make an important announcement to the world. The blog itself is a little confusing to get around from the dashboard page.

Its also nice to peep into the window of someone's life and be like, "dang, she got a kid already and she married that guy?!

Check this girl, bgirl jess she's really good. I've never done a pullup or a cartwheel in my life. Both of which are done in breakdancing.

Other happenings...

Friday Night

So it suddenly dawned on me that it appears that the only thing going on in my life is vacillating between whether I should fuck gym guy or not. But, I've been doing other cool shit too. I met someone a week ago, a Canadian (Toronto) who is business consultant for IBM. He's lived in NYC for 6 years and has a wide array of interests. He's blue collar by day, and band bass player at night. We went out last night, we met in Chinatown and ate steamed dumplings and rice cake noodles at a Chinese restaurant. We then walked to the lower east side and went bar hopping. Our first stop was a dive looking bar that was kind of lame. He said it is normally good, but that night the dj was a girl who looked like she had just rode in from Oklahoma, and she was playing lame "wedding rock" as I like to call it. Shit you hear at weddings.

We then stopped at a hookah bar and had some drinks and danced for awhile. Afterwards, we had some pizza and watched this couple who obviously had just met, make out in the vestibule of an apartment building. There was grinding action as well. We called it a night around 3 a.m. and I politely declined his offer to 420 back at his place and "crash" at his house. I would love to get into the 420 thing, but I just met this guy. So, my night ended with a $40 cab ride back to Brooklyn. Actually, a 33.00 cab ride, but when I handed the driver $40, he just stared at me when I asked for change. Next time, I'm driving to Manhattan.

Saturday Night

The first Saturday of every month is free at the Brooklyn Museum. I viewed the Ron Mueck exhibit, which was utterly fascinating. The delicate features of the human body do not go unnoticed by the artist. I also viewed the Annie Leibovitz photography exhibit which evoked a lot of emotion from me. A photograph of Hilary Clinton hugging Chelsea which really captured a humanistic and genuine side of a mother showing affection toward her daughter. Another photograph of Johnny Cash, Roseanne Cash, and June Carter Cash and their grandson was amazing. It depicted Roseanne playing a guitar and June Carter playing her instrument as Johnny Cash and his grandson look on. The last photograph which really affected me was a photograph of Johnny Depp and Kate Moss when they were dating. The sensuality and the intimacy of the photograph told the story words can't even describe. Johnny Depp has his face resting on Kate Moss's stomach while Kate is looking directly at the camera, her nipple hard. The look of lovers who share some type of intimacy which can't be described, but is known by those who have experienced the truth of love. It stirred up old painful memories of my ex and I. I've seen that look on his face. Lastly, from the World Trade Center exhibit, a photograph by William Lamson (view here) and here depicts two people lounging casually on a grassy park watching the two twin towers emitting thick black smoke. The lush and colorful landscape of the picture and the two people laying down watching the events as if they were enjoying the day at the beach is unsettling. Amazing.

Gym Guy Action

How it Reignited

It all reignited from an innocent situation. One of the trainers wanted to take a picture with me as my official gym ID. But, only gym guy had a camera in his office. So, we take the picture and flirting ensues from both the trainer and the gym guy. Gym guy takes my arm and turns me around to look at my ass and says, "Good things are happening here". After which, the trainer leaves us alone and somehow the conversation steered into topics such as "lasting longer" and "being as loud as you want". I'm not sure what happened, but the conversation escalated into sexual in about 2 seconds. At which point, I tell him, "you need to be more forward, you need to just say, hey wanna fuck". Ya, I actually said that. And of course, he said, "I love you" and walked away.

The Conversation

The next day, after working out we had a conversation. We talked about myspace, and quickly the conversation turned again. We went to his office and discussed small details. He was upfront with me and told me that there were a couple of girls he was involved with, both of whom knew he wasn't exclusively dating them. He also said that he was in a relationship for 5 years about 2 years ago and he's "not doing that again, at least for awhile". Then, he tried to get me into the backroom to make out with me. I would have totally done it except that he happens to work at the place where I sweat my ass off for an hour. We had an informational exchange on setting up a booty call with no particular dates and times, although i think he wanted it that night.

The Dilemma

"You aren't slutty enough to do this guy and not care" are the wise words from my friend Greg, king of all bachelors. My main concern regarding this situation is that yes, part of me wants to totally give into my fleshly desires. The fact that he's honest about his steady stream of pussy doesn't really bother me. Mentally, I know this guy is not good for anything but physical candy. The awkwardness that follows a scenario like this is what makes it difficult. I may have to switch gyms, and only go to this one on occasion. It really isn't that big of deal, because there's one a block away from work. I am the queen of impersonal sex, but I don't know this guy well enough to know how he would react. If everything is normal and whatever afterward that would be ideal. But, from my previous experience guys can't hold their shit together to be normal. He said something really interesting in our conversation. "You were standoffish when you first came here, but I broke you down." He was hunting me from the first time we met. I think this guy is so used to getting girls easily, he's better at it than most, I have to admit. I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet. I'll keep you posted.