The fabric of new york

For those of you who have never been to New York, I feel the need to describe each and every fiber that creates the fabric of New York for you. Maybe its because I'm still new to this place, but there are still things that amaze me and surprise me. This morning as I was running down the stairs to the subway, it was clear I was going to miss my train because the doors were already closed. The conducter saw me and held a set of doors open for me and waved me in. Then, as I boarded the N train, to our utter amazement it was a brand new train. Everyone was looking around and noticing all the details and the colors and the smoothness of the ride. As I took my place at the pole, this guy was playing the accordian from Brooklyn all the way into Manhattan. In my ear. Its these small details of everyday life that makes this place what it is. Its everything and nothing. On a different note, you all thought the gym guy thing was over...

My life in review.

I'm turning another year old next week. I was walking to the gym yesterday and I had an "oh shit" moment. Fuck, I'm almost 30. I still feel as if I'm 24. I almost feel like I've let my whole life pass me by, starting a career so late in life. I'm not a doctor or even a Ph.D. It doesn't seem like I should have waited this long to finally have a career. Now isn't the time to be second guessing my life. I suppose. I almost feel like I wasted all the time between graduating high school til now. I have nothing to show for that time. No trip to Europe. No marriage. Nothing. I can't determine whether or not I should be happy about my position in life. At work, many of the people I work with hold degrees from prestigious schools. I still feel like I'm not good enough because I went to state schools my whole life. My agency hires people who they believe to be smart. Most days I wonder how the fuck I got a job there.

Breakin' & Bloggin'

I did a brief google search of sexless in the city blog, and suprise! There are like 2 or 3, and mine didn't show up at all. It's new, so I wouldn't really expect it to. But, the others have been around and are apparently very popular. I'm a bit intimidated. But, I don't claim that my blog is anything more than my daily bitching and whining. I'm not trying to change the world here, or even contribute any useful information to the blogosphere. It is what it is. Tacky and delicious. Anyhow, I hung out at a bar in Boreum Hill in Brooklyn last night. I met some very interesting people. One of the people I met is taking Breakdancing lessons which sounds so cool. I don't think I would ever use breakdancing or "breakin'" except for a good arm workout. But, I'm looking into it. It will be one more random thing I do on my list of shit to do.

Faces of the Fallen

Every so often, I check the Faces of the Fallen courtesy of the Washington Post. I know a soldier who may or may not still be in Iraq, and although we rarely speak, I keep checking to make sure he isn't on that wall of faces. Every time I visit that site, it is a reality check. So many young faces. 21 year olds with their whole life ahead of them. Dead. For us. Its so sad. Unbearably sad. I am not a supporter of the war, but I do feel indebted to those who are bravely fighting on our behalf. I feel ashamed that I don't pay attention to the war news anymore. I can live my fancy life here, when these soldiers don't know if they are going to live from minute to minute. Unbelievable. I've decided to participate in the AnySoldier program, but specifically for Marines. My dad is a retired Marine what can I say. After reading through some of the stuff they need. I felt so dang sad. I mean its ordinary stuff like puzzles and jerky. Stuff to take their mind off the daily grind. I think of my own wishlist and its like iPods and JCrew boots. I can't even began to imagine what their life is like. To be so young and have so much on your shoulders. I can't even began to comprehend.

Thanksgiving in Brooklyn

I spent thanksgiving at a co-workers place. Of course, I felt as if I was on an episode of the Amazing Race, because I had to take 3 trains and walk in a seedy area just to get there. It was a lot of fun. I liked most of the people there and we traded "moving to New York stories" on how we have turned into New York assholes with no patience and large amounts of pent up anger. I used to not care if someone held the train door open, and now I'm like, "Shut the fucking door asshole, so we can leave!" (of course I don't say it, only think it) We talked about how almost everyone we knew still lived where they grew up and now have families. It got me thinking about how I used to stare out the window of my high school classroom thnking there must be more to life than the stupid suburbia I lived in. I remember talking to others about it, and feeling as if no one felt the same way. I was destined to live in New York.

Bhangra & Falafels

I went out last night to Basement Bhangra. Bhangra originates from the Punjab region of India. It kind of entered American Mainstream a few years ago through the Jay-Z song with Punjabi MC, (listen here) Beware of the Boyz. Dancing to Bhangra is super fun. It's a total workout, you move your arms and legs and jumping is also required which is totally different from dancing to American music. It's so fun. Lots of different people go, not just Indian people. Some of the non-Indian people are really good too. I don't want to brag, but I'm pretty good as well. The only draw back is that it kind of totally smells like B.O. but, the upside to that, is if its you...who cares! Anyhow, we ended our evening eating Falafels in the East Village at 3am.

Socal Girl

I found a place to move to. In my neighborhood only 2 blocks away. I will have 2 roommates as opposed to 7, and the rent is cheaper. Its on the bottom floor of a brownstone. I'm stoked. So, I had a revelation while watching the Black Eyed Peas video, "Where is the Love?". I realized that I'm a Socal girl to the core. I'm not even sure what that means, but I'm pretty sure it means your stomach lurches a bit when you see that freeway sign to San Bernadino/Santa Ana in the video. It was this realization that made me realized that I can never be rid of Cali. It will always pump in my veins like gasoline. I'm so happy on the East Coast though. I love the East and I don't exactly miss Cali, but I've learned to accept it as part of me, like that mole on my back.

Follow your dreams...

Follow your dreams was the cliche which was told to me yesterday by a good friend of mine. Who never updates her blog I might add. I have always wanted to be a well rounded person with many facets. I've always wanted to be the girl you talk to at a cafe and find out in 15 minutes that she has traveled through Europe and New Zealand, speaks a couple of languages, knits and sews her clothes, knows how to Salsa dance, and is a local activist who started her own program to help teenagers become better adults. So, I've comprised a list of activities that I will pursue on the advice of my friend. Mainly because at this time in my life I have both the means and the time to do it. So here's the short list that will keep me occupied for the next few months. I've already joined a Salsa class that starts in December.

• Learn to Salsa


• Learn how to knit (again)


• Learn to speak Spanish (fluently)


• Learn to Swing dance


• Take voice lessons


• Take photography courses


• Join a book club that doesn't read lame books

Sexy Time

I went to Spanish Harlem today and it smells delicious! As soon as I stepped off the 6 train I could smell boiled chicken and tortillas in the air. Latin salsa music was blaring in the background. I volunteered at the Yorkville Common Pantry to pre-pack canned goods for Thanksgiving. I envisioned a great opportunity to meet people from New York. Instead, I was sweating in the basement picking up boxes of canned vegetables and cake mix. It also dawned on me that New York is not a city for the very young or the very old. I saw a man in his 70's fall to the ground today, his groceries spilling out into the sidewalk. I'm not sure why he fell, but I felt so bad for him. In fact, this city is not for the injured either. A woman in crutches was trying to get down the stairs to the subway, and backed up the line into the street. I ended my exciting day with a trip to the movies (by myself) to see Borat. It was funny, my favorite part was when he asked the girl "How much" in New York. Seeing him at the Block with Pamela Anderson reminded me of the time I got my car keyed in that same parking lot. Ah, good ole' Cali. High Five!
P.S. I finished reading the stupidest book ever. It was given to me as a gift for my role as a bridesmaid. I didn't want to finish it, but I felt like I had to. The Mermaid Chair. Don't read it. I felt like it was a thinly-veiled, trying to be but not as good version of Kate Chopin's The Awakening.

This just in...

I saw the flamenco guitarists on the subway platform today and I totally tipped them. After all that guilt from not tipping earlier. I went to the doctor and found out I have a heart murmur. I know its probably not a big deal, but its been occupying my mind for the last few days. I guess its the realization that good health is not a given. I've been healthy my whole life. No broken appendages, not even a bee sting. Lately, I feel this massive ball of emotions--anxiety, anger, hope, sadness, and a healthy dose of pessimism. I dont know how I can feel all these things at once. I do have hope that I'll snap out of this. I do know that realistically things are not bad. In fact, things are good. The adjustment period is always rough and I'm in the process of moving yet again. I'm hoping to get out of this place soon. I'm trying to stay hopeful, but I still feel as though I'm bursting with these overwhelming feelings. On a totally different topic, who gives a crap about TomKat getting married? I'm more concerned about who turkey basted Katie Holmes. I think I'm finally going to see Borat this weekend.

Observations

"Hey this is New York, you can get stabbed at any time."

These are the sagacious words of a Brooklyn-born co-worker when I was complaining about one of the rougher subway stops on Fulton Avenue. While this is in fact a true statement, there are people in New York who are quite friendly and eager to help. Almost always people will answer the questions of those who are lost in the subway and looking for the right train. Its an interesting city. On one hand, there's this survival of the fittest mentality, but on the other, if you ask for help, you'll usually get it. In order to live here in harmony with others, its best to adopt an expressionless face and tough exterior, but more often than not, people will suprise you. I mean, this city didn't earn a reputation for nothing right?

Incoherent thoughts

I fell asleep on the subway today. I mean asleep. My mouth was open and everything. I woke up to find three men staring at me. My love for Brooklyn accents has grown beyond reason. All basic height, weight and even hygiene requirements for men go right out the window once I hear the Brooklyn accent. So far, the accents come from the Italian neighborhoods, but I know there are some Irish ones I've yet to discover. Two men were playing flamenco style guitar at the subway station. They were really good. I wanted to give them money, but because no one else was, I didn't either. Its hard to believe how much influence a group of strangers can have on you. I regret it though. I feel guilty for not giving them money, they deserved it. I'm volunteering this weekend, I'm packing bags to be delivered for the holidays. I wanted to volunteer to serve food to homeless, but the good projects go fast. Damn volunteers. I'm back to using the f-word again. I have to say I think its an outlet for frustration.

Gentrify!

This weekend I was all over Brooklyn interviewing as a potential roommate in different areas of the borough. I always understood gentrification to be a negative concept. However, in Brooklyn, many view it as a positive force. Everyone except native Brooklynites that is. The general vibe is that as all the yuppies move in and take over BK, the natives are forced to move further and further out. Since we basically live on an island, eventually there won't be any place for them to go. The new Brooklyn is safer and trendier, but what happens to the locals? While I was looking in Williamsburg, I caught of glimpse of its industrial past. Once an area filled with factories, its experiencing an artistic awakening.

I was interviewing in Fort Greene, one of the girls knew someone I went to high school with. Crazy right? I come from a suburb in California, not a super large one either. The chances are like super minimal that I would run into someone who knows someone I knew from 6th grade to graduation. Crazy! I have random pictures of Brooklyn and a Map Chest.

My Hood

I saw my first potential apartment today. The guy leaving was super hot. I was bummed he couldn't be my roommate. New York has exposed me to some very good looking guys. He was Moroccan Jewish. Hot shit. They seemed super cool. The only problem is that the subway crowd was a little rough. In fact the neighborhood was a little rough. I walk around my neighborhood around 10pm and I don't feel like its unsafe. I made a wrong turn and I knew I shouldn't be in that area. I get the feeling the apartment building itself is safe, but I don't know if I could walk around at night. It's kind of weird, I've totally developed an allegiance with my neighborhood and taking another set of trains seemed awkward. So, I'm thinking I might stay in my neighborhood but just find a roommate and live nearby. The view of the Verrazzano Bridge is so gorgeous at night too.

Bean dip anyone?

The roommate search is in full launch. It's so bizarre. I'm looking for a place in January, and already many of the places are holding open houses for these rooms that won't be available unto January. Diligently, I send my emails out selling myself and explaining why I would be the perfect roommate, and how I'm educated but not boring, witty and funny but respectful of privacy and interesting, yet clean, drug free, and social, but not too social, and no I don't mind pets. I'm scheduled to see an apartment in Williamsburg, which is way out of my budget, but damn it, I have to see it. Plus, I can start my neighborhood search there, home of the hipsters. I contacted a potential roommate today, and after seeing her myspace profile, I'm thinking no. She had hearts and random stuff that I just don't like. You can judge the subtleties of these things. I would like to move closer to Manhattan, but shit, finding a cheap, safe apartment can be rough going. Alas, I'm a Brooklyn girl(now). I'm still saying no to Queens.

Sour Cream anyone?

I was in a conversation with some people from work and they were talking about dinner parties. One of the girls said how appalled she was that someone would think to bring sour cream and onion dip to a party. Of course, I'm like, "why?". She didn't really elaborate, but made it sound like it was trashy to think that such a "dish" would be acceptable. It stuck in my mind for two reasons: 1. I like sour cream and onion dip, so I really don't care if someone brings it to a dinner party. 2. I hope I don't become all pretentious. I'm a pretty low-maintenance girl. I lived on a twin-size air mattress for two years, without a closet, and shared a bathroom with two other girls. Even worse, I lived with two straight bachelors for almost a month, sleeping on my air mattress in their living room. I don't want to be all new yorkish if it means to be pretentious and discriminatory against sour cream dip. Who gives a shit? I don't.

On a different note, I had my first presentation to a client today! My first project and my first presentation. My manager had to leave to Korea and said that I am a good presenter, and she trusted me to do it. Stoked!

Downtown & Brooklyn

I've decided to move out of this frickin' hostel I call home. I can't move out until January, so until then I'm going to explore every neighborhood in Brooklyn minus Canarsie (16) and decide where I will finally settle. I would love to stay in this neighborhood, but I think I might end up going closer to Manhattan. I've been eyeing craigslist and found this ad, not that desperate yet. I was told to do the roommates.com thing, but I'm a little nervous. I have a list of things I want. A subway ideally located, a laundromat, supermarket, restaurants, and a New York Sports club in walking distance. I have all of that now and I'm spoiled. I also have to find a place that I can park my car without having to move it everyday. I also need to have a safe neighborhood without it being boring. Otherwise, I'd move to Queens. I have no interest at all in moving to Manhattan. I'm like Carrie Bradshaw, except I don't spend money on clothes, I don't have a Mr. Big, just some asshole gym guy who flirts with me, and I have no friends here nor do I have some editorial position and I don't live in Manhattan. I'm like a ghetto Carrie Bradshaw maybe. Actually, I have nothing in common with Carrie Bradshaw, a fictional character has a way better life than me.

No loss of dignity

After last night, I had to sleep off the tears and sadness of being alone in this city. Shawn asked me a very crucial question, if I regret my decision to move here. No, I don't. I have the balls to do what I know many could not. I have zero family, and zero friends here. I know one person who is staying here until December. I am excited that I did this, but of course there is always going to be the hard times that come with it. I think that whole gym guy situation just exacerbated my situation. But, I've worked really hard these last few years, leaving my b/f (now my ex b/f) the only guy I've ever loved to go to grad school 3,000 miles away. Before that I went through some bumpy years before I finished my undergrad. There's nothing more satisfying then knowing that I've exceeded my own expectations and the expectations of those who knew me during those bumpy years. So, fuck the gym guy. I have worked too fucking hard and too long to let some horny guy use me for his personal pleasure. There are many decisions I made that I think changed the course of my life. I wonder if I had gone home after a year in Buffalo like I was supposed to, if my ex and I would have stayed together. Maybe. Maybe not. But, I've never been the kind of girl to forsake my education or career for any guy. Or my dignity.

Tears on a Saturday night.

I can't figure out whats wrong with me. The gym guy is totally losing interest in me. I find myself becoming really upset by this. I'm not sure why. I just hate the fact that I feel like I haven't learned anything since high school. I'm living in a new city and I think I'm starting to feel kind of lonely. The fact that this was the most interesting thing happening to me seems to be the reason I'm bummed this is winding down. I've always put so much emphasis in what men think and have had too many problems letting them dictate the rules, when it should be me taking control of myself and my own actions. I've always been the type of girl that pushes over for men and as a result I've been burned quite a few times. I don't want to be that kind of girl anymore. I want to be like, "hey, i don't want you asshole", and although I feel that way inside, another part of me is like, "hey, why don't you want me?" (asshole)I think I finally got over my ex. But, still feel like I haven't learned anything. I feel like I settle for all the wrong guys and the wrong short term situations. Deep down I know that it will probably hurt more to give this guy what I think he wants, but it still kind of hurts that he doesn't seem interested right now. Part of me wants to give him what he wants, because I can't stand the thought of him not liking me. Which is so stupid, I know. Because he won't like me anymore if I do give him what he wants. I wish things were different for me. I wish I was a stronger girl. Instead, I'm sitting here brooding and sad. It just doesn't make sense.

Hard Day.

Today was a really hard day. I'm still struggling to understand stuff at work. Its been frustrating and very difficult. Its like intensive problem solving, with short client deadlines. Half the time I don't know why I'm doing the things I'm doing. I love the agency I work for, and everyone has been wonderful to me. Its just that I don't know what I'm doing or why. One of the other people who has been there for 6 months told me that she just now feels like she "get it". This is by far the most challenging thing I've ever done. After an emotionally wrought day, I went to the gym and couldn't work out because I felt sick. On the way to home, I stopped to move my car, and I was supposed to move it this morning and got a $45.00 parking ticket. I hate days like this. I hope this is over soon. Its times like this when I just think, what am I going to do? I just feel like laying in bed and never getting out.

P.S. My former web design teacher married her fiancee on a whim and both of them are moving to virginia to become FBI special agents. One of my friends also got robbed last week. Weird.