Rambles

I went to see Shakespeare in the Park last night at Central Park. It was pretty good. I saw some random famous people whose names I don't know. I'm finding that every moment that I'm not spending with a friend or pseudo acquaintance throws me into a whirlwind of loneliness. I just don't feel like I can be alone right now and its very difficult because I don't really have any friends here. I mean last night was a perfect example of why I don't do things in the city. I left Central Park around 10:45 and didn't get into my house until 1:00 am. I'm trying to fill up my weekend with people so that I'm not stuck alone. My daily multiple conversations with Chris had taken away the loneliness I was feeling when I moved here, and now its all back. I feel like I lost a close friend, but at the same time it makes me sick because I feel like he scumbagged me and that's not what friends do to each other. I'm waiting for something in my life to change, and maybe it will. I have a phone interview with a huge company that may or may not be your email provider. The office is in Santa Monica, they asked me if I was flexible to leave New York as soon as possible, and I said that I was. "I have no commitments in New York" was my answer. We'll see what happens I guess. I just wish I could be in a better mood.

The Life

So, I got a new set of eharmony matches today and someone who wants to "communicate" with me. Excitedly, I opened my inbox thinking today will be better than yesterday's Ralphs and Genes. No, in fact today was worse. Way worse. My inbox was filled with matches who ranged in height from shorter than me to men who were really fat. If I might be so bold to say, uglies. I have come to the conclusion that I am too attractive for eharmony.com. I know you are thinking, "just filter those short guys out" well thanks to the brilliant patented proprietary algorithm I cannot. Because according to the fucking CEO, personality characteristics are more important than appearance. So they do not make a functionality to sort through appearance. So now I have to deal with the fatties in my inbox.

Not only is eharmony full of shit, but they have a horrible horrible user experience. I can barely find my way around the site. I'm afraid if I click something its going to send a message to one of the uglies in my inbox. I don't like to critique sites very often, but for a site like theirs, they need to step it up. So, that being said, I'm going to finish up the month with eharmony and forget about internet dating. It's all bullshit. And no, I will not be doing hotornot.com because I'm not in high school. No, I'm going to have to meet guys the old-fashion way-by going out and having random sex with people.

So, yesterday a girl from my grad program sent me an email saying that her company is hiring, and that I may be able to negotiate a salary from 80-100k. This company is based in Socal. It's weird, because just yesterday I was thinking maybe I would stay in New York and give this place another chance. I just joined a co-workers book club as of yesterday and now I'm planning a trip to Boston next weekend. Aside from that, I am still waiting to hear back from my recruiter about the transfer opportunity that opened up in SF. So as it stands, I have no idea what my future holds for me. If the SF transfer goes through, I will probably be out of NYC in a month. For the first time in a long time, I don't care where I end up. LA, SF, or staying in NYC. Either of those places are fine with me. I have no commitments and every day I'm thankful I didn't stay in my hometown--because I would never have the opportunities I have now.

A fool no more

So, it took a few days to post the latest and final installment of the mini-series that was Chris and I. I ended up calling him Monday to find out that his tone and mannerisms were all different. He finally admit to me that he was going to pursue a "strong connection" with a girl from high school, and did I remember her he asked. Well yes Chris, I do in fact remember her. I remember her being dorky looking and slightly dumpy. I cannot imagine that 10 years later and a 10 year old daughter later that life has been kind to her looks and I'm quite sure her career is secure at some administrative job or burger king management. So, once again, I have been "left" for someone waaay less than me.

The next day I had a therapy session and my therapist laid it all out for me. She told me that men like him who haven't accomplished what I have in my life will always seek to be with women they can feel like a man to. She said he wasn't strong enough to have someone like me. My accomplishments will always overshadow his. She also said that he will most likely seek women who are unattractive because his wife cheated on him. She said that he may not even realize these things but that he just feels different with lesser girls. So that's the end of the saga. It turns out I can't compete with a dumpy single mom with no career. Her advice to me: only date men with the same professional and educational status and once they stop trying to make it work, abandon them. She also said to take men at face value. If they say "I dont ever want to get married" then say goodbye. And though this sounds like common sense, these simple words have dramatically changed the way I look at dating now.

So, I've decided to handle this situation differently. I will not sulk or mope. I can't. I'm not going to feel bad that I'm a youngish smart professional with great tits. Instead, I've decided to date. And date a lot. Nothing serious, but I think I just need an injection of reality. The reality that there are smart and driven men out there. Still scumbags I'm sure. So, last night I signed up for e-Harmony. And I was hopeful.

Until I saw my matches. 8 people were matched to me. All dorks. The lot of them. One was 5'5''. I don't do guys under 6'0. One of them was 36. Come on NYC, you gotta have more than this. None of them were attractive. Many of them had really lame names like "Spencer, Gene and Ralph". Ralph was from Staten Island. I don't do Staten Island. I know I sound picky for someone who has dated scumbags, but shit, I'm paying 60 dollars for this shit, get it right. I was hoping to sort of hang out with someone this weekend, but judging from what I saw, I don't think so.

Lonely in the City

I'm back to being extremely lonely again. For the first three months here, I was constantly feeling lonely, but with Chris's phonecalls and IM's I forgot that I was sad before I met him. And now I'm sad again. I think New York will be the place that broke my heart. I had my heart broken here, and the place itself broke my heart. NYC didn't live up to my expectations and let me down repeatedly. And this week 2 out of the 3 people I know are leaving NYC permanently. I'm going to be on my own completely. I feel like shit. I decided to start writing "memoirs" about my twenties. I'm nearing my thirties and I feel as if I should reflect on the golden years of my twenties. These will be handwritten I think.

The Great Deletion

After some discussions with my dad-alpha male, I've come to see the truth. The truth being that Chris is not willing to give me anything. He's made no efforts aside from calling me and IMing me. I've put my all into this and once again I get nothing in return. The new realization that I had from my conversation with my dad is that men need rules and that I should have been the one to lay the groundwork for the relationship. I didn't do that. Instead he set the rules and I was abiding by them. He will never agree to commit to me, and with that realization I decided to delete him completely from my life. Deleted him from my phone, from my myspace, from my netflix which I had given him my login and password so he can use my Video on Demand hours, and finally from my Flickr. Needless to say, I'm extremely distraught and very depressed over this. I just don't think it will ever happen for me. I keep getting my heart broken. I feel humiliated. I let one more guy make an ass out of me. A really close friend told me that i shouldn't feel that way because I had to take the risk to see if it was worth something. I know I should see it that way. I'm just tired of being screwed over so many times.

Reality

Okay, so I'm off my euphoric high. I was gliding through the week happy with my new liberated status and confident that things with Chris would work themselves out. Well that all died today. Today it all came crashing down into feelings of solitude and a tinge of sadness. I miss that guy. I miss his jokes, and his points of view. I miss the fact that he was the only person besides my creative director who knew what I did for a living. I mean really understood what I did. Not in the fuzzy generic "she does web design" sort of way. I really love that kid. Its so disappointing that we live across the country from each other. I've been watching all of the Sex and the City episodes, and I feel like every episode is my life--I mean minus the friends and Manhattan social life and good salary. Carrie's relationship with Big mirrors this Chris situation.

Breathing Again

Day 2 of not speaking with Chris. It's difficult in some ways, but in other ways its great. I would have dreams of him hooking up with other girls in front of me, probably some subconscious thought of how he dates girls while I looked on. I also worried that every time he wasn't on the phone with me he was out dating some other girl. It was exhausting really. Worrying like that. It feels good to not worry and it feels good to know that I finally had the strength to come to a decision. The timing is bad and I hate using that phrase because I never thought it was relevant to me. In this case it is. I love Chris for all that he is, but right now we are not in agreement and no one will win. And so now I just keep breathing and focusing on getting the hell out of NYC. And maybe going to Prague in December. Maybe.

In my Life

Life is rather interesting, and there's nothing like a love letdown to remind you of all the crazy little things life has brought to us unexpectedly. I have no idea what to expect anymore. I have a history of dating scumbags. I have dated some of the meanest raging assholes in all of California. Some of the things they have said to me I couldn't even bring myself to repeat. Even today when I think about it sometimes I still feel a little hurt. Two of these mean scumbags whom I never thought cared about me have both apologized to me since then. Both have expressed extreme regret for things they did to me and with nothing to gain because both are in serious relationships with other people. That was unexpected. Also unexpected is the fact that I have not heard from my ex in almost 2 years, though I thought what we had was real love. So at this point I don't really have any expectations for anything anymore. Incidentally, I was watching the Wonder Years and heard this song from John Lennon. I felt it was apropos.

In My Life
There are places I'll remember
All my life, though some have changed
Some forever, not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places had their moments
With lovers and friends, I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life, I've loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life, I'll love you more

Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life, I'll love you more

Life and Beyond

I officially decided to stop talking to Chris yesterday. Though he is technically single, sometime between the first time we kissed 8 months ago and today I fell in love with him. I can no longer deny that. When I was home recently, he was singing his heart out to Candlebox and it was then that I knew for sure that I was in love with him. I have told him this, he knows, I know. However, he refuses to be in a long distance relationship with anyone and is dating when the opportunities present themselves. It seems every week he's calling me telling me about a new girl (of course I know them all because I live in smallest town ever) he's going to hang out with. Now, last week I unearthed a bit of information from him. He's not just hanging out with them, but he's rather "seeing if there is potential". So he's dating basically. Just on the heels of the most wonderful week together.

I finally just had it. No blow ups, just tears. But, I came to a stark realization that him seeing other girls, lesser girls is just too much to ask of someone who is in love with you. I know he's single, he's free to do whatever, but I can't take it anymore. So, I told him, we need to stop talking for awhile, not forever, but for awhile. I need to move forward and away from this situation. I have always had a problem with being naive. I guess I was naive to think that he would care about me enough to not want to risk losing me. Maybe that's asking too much. So, knowing myself, I'm going to give myself time to remove myself from this haze of love and let it dissipate on its own. Once I'm over it, and I'm in California maybe we can be friends then. But right now, I've decided that its best for me to remove him from my life. But, my plans to move to California are still in motion, my feelings toward New York have not changed at all. I'm toying with the idea of moving to Europe however. My company is now international.

My Yahoo Horoscope for Today

Quickie:
Odd dreams are telling you that you must bring back-burner issues to the forefront.

Overview:
You're a little cranky, but that's just a sign that you need to slow down and process all the big emotional business that has been happening in your life lately. Try to find some quiet time to zone out.

I don't believe in astrology, but these two could not be closer to the truth.

The neverending job search

I officially spoke to my HR Recruiter today about getting a transfer to the SF office. (I am still in New York Not Simply Yes, but someone moved into your old cubicle-thought you should know) I would love to stay with my current company but this transfer can take forever especially since I have to wait for a position to open and I'm not super jazzed about living in SF. In the meanwhile, I've been sending my resume all over SD, OC and LA. I thought having relevant degrees and a year of experience would make it easy, but I haven't received not one response. It's very depressing. I've been using other people's contacts (thanks Fifi) and reaching out to old grad school acquaintances in Cali for a leg up. I want to leave NYC as soon as possible. It doesn't help that my one friend in Bay Ridge just got transferred to the Philly office. So annoying!

Going Crazy

This situation with Chris is causing me to feel like I am going crazy. I don't feel like myself right now and it really makes me upset. The bone of contention is his desire to ensure a secure friendship with me before anything else. I have a problem being called a "friend" but he insists that a friendship first will be the right path. I find myself wanting more of a prominence in his life, and he just seems like he's not willing to give me that. He's trying to see where it goes and I just want to start going already. I'm sure its my lack of patience and willingness to slow down, but I can't help it. I don't know why I can't just let things be. I don't know why I am trying to rush this when I'm not even physically present. I feel like he may be correct but I still feel like I can't slow down. I don't feel well.

A day with the Family

Today Chris was going to drop off his father and spend the day in San Diego with his daughters. He invited me to come along, because I am no longer a secret. So, I went with him to his grandma's house and got to meet his mother and father. Needless to say, his mother was not happy to see me. She's the typical overbearing mother looking out for her son. After that, we went down to Seaport Village and ended up visiting a retired Aircraft carrier museum. Afterwards we went to the La Jolla aquarium. His daughters are pretty well-behaved and were open to my presence. I was actually surprised at how easy it was to spend time with them. I thought it would be awkward, but it turns out I'm a natural. We came home and had some ice cream. It was a good time. We've made a lot of progress in this trip.

Cat out of the bag

I'm in Cali! I spent all day Thursday with Chris waverunning at Mission Bay. It was awesome. I was like a forty year old bald man with a mid-life crisis. I was drunk with power at the wheel of that seadoo. We had so much fun. After the seadooing, we checked into a hotel room and recouped for a couple of hours and went out to a bar and club at Pacific Beach then went back to the hotel room. We checked out on Friday afternoon and headed back to my mom's house to drop off our stuff and then went to the Simpsons movie. (save your money) On Wednesday, Chris's ex-wife asked him about us. She wanted to know if we were together. If you remember correctly, her and I were work friends during high school. Chris told her we were talking and gave her the status of our relationship. She was cool with it.

After the Simpsons movie, Chris had planned on picking up his two daughters after dropping me off, but he got a text from his ex-wife asking to bring me because she would like to see me. So, I went with him to pick up his daughters (the first time meeting them) and to see Jenn again (the first time in 7 years). It was a bit awkward, I was nervous and she seemed okay with the situation. She told the girls about me, and they were expecting to meet me. She seemed different, not the same Jenn I remembered. She gave me hug and we took the girls and left. We went to dinner, and I got to see his daughters in action. After dinner, Chris dropped me off, and later called me to ask if I would like to go with him and his girls to San Diego on Sunday. "The cat's out of the bag" he said. I agreed. I have to admit though, I don't know shit about 5 and 7 year olds. I asked the 7 year old if she had learned her ABC's yet. She was like, "Yeah, in kindergarten like 2 years ago". This should be fun.

Hello Everybody

So, in my on-again off-again affair with NYC, I've decided its over. I asked my company to transfer me to San Francisco just so I get the hell out of here. New York has its charms and the architecture and history is brilliant. The dogshit on the sidewalks, the garbage on the streets, and the stench of armpits in the air is just not worth enduring. I have an appointment with HR on Tuesday to discuss my options for SF, though I have to interview just like I would any other job, and it can take up to a few months if they don't have any openings. Quite frankly, I don't want to go to SF either, so I've been applying to jobs in San Diego and Los Angeles as well. Going to SF is an easier way to stay with my company because I've been spoiled with the equivalent of 4 weeks of vacation they give us. My heart lies in Southern California though. Literally. I figured I would assess my market value by applying to various positions, but sadly I haven't heard back from anyone. Applying for jobs is such a bummer. Incidentally, next month I will have been in NYC for one year. This must be what boot camp feels like. I feel like I'm dragging myself out of the mud to the finish line or something.