Knitting in New York

I flew back into New York this morning at 5:30am. I spent a shitload of money interviewing this weekend. The auction company paid for the first days of things, but I extended my stay in order to add the other two interviews to my schedule. Traveling in and out of new york means that you have to add in the cab fare. From Manhattan to JFK is a $45 regulated fee and typically to my house its about the same. So, I get in at 5:30 am and I don't see any yellow cabs, and I start going out the front door and this man says, do you need a car?
(Car Service) I said yes, and he swept me into his car and after we drove away, he tells me its going to cost $60. Stupid motherfucker. I was so pissed. There wasn't anything I could do at that point. Fuck that shady fucker. He didn't get a fucking tip either. This I wont' miss about New York.

Late in the day, I had a knitting class with someone from Etsy.com. I totally was expecting to see hipster girls at the class. Instead, it was a gay guy and a straight emo-type guy. Surprisingly, the emo guy was very knowledgeable about his knitting craft. I had wondered if he came expecting to see the same hipster girls I expected to see, but I quickly dissolved that thinking as he launched into a serious discussion about the art of Purling and his devotion to watching online videos of knitting. After the knitting class, I got on the train to go home, and this guy who was like 55 was doing Math on the train, probably a math genius of sorts, kept putting his glasses on and staring at me. He started to talk to this kid who looked like he was home from the military or something, and starting singing a rap song he wrote in 1974 (thats what he told us anyway). He looked at me and asked me if I wanted to hear another song of his. Lucky for me it was my stop and I got off. These things I will miss about New York.

Live from San Jose

I flew into San Jose on Wednesday night around 11:30 pm West coast time. The online auction company paid for my flight, rental car, and hotel room. The next day I interviewed for 5 hours with 6 different managers. I really enjoyed speaking to the people I met, and I'm pretty sure they liked me too. The have a very collaborative environment and their team consists of 140 people. I would be a member of this large team. The environment was very comfortable, and I think my background would be a good fit for what they are trying to accomplish. I'd be very shocked if they didn't make me an offer. Since I was only a Caltrain ride away from SF, I decided to meet with our sister office in SF.

The sister office was a lot smaller and only had a team of two people, me being one of the two. It was also very very adverstisingish. I would be working on designing for pitches and concentrated on bringing in new business. I think it would give me the benefit of moving up quickly, and having a lot more responsibility. The creative recruiter there also confirmed my sneaking suspicion--I'm getting way underpaid. Like at least 5-10k underpaid. Lucky for me I live frugally and didn't really notice. They told me they would contact me if they felt it was a good fit. At the end of the day, I'm not sure if its exactly what I'm looking for. It felt too small for me to really feel comfortable.

While I was in SF, I also interviewed for a major West Coast financial institution based out of SF and had a last minute meeting with the manager. That position was more of a leadership role and offered a lot of possibility of getting more experience in doing very HCI related practices. Task flows, pattern making, and content site structure seemed to be the core activities for that position. As well as leading a design team. Though, the atmosphere was a bit too corporate for my taste, and I didn't feel like I would really be a good fit for them.

Overall, these were all very different positions which offered some unique opportunities. I would prefer to work for the online auction company first but if they don't make me an offer, I would probably transfer to the SF office. I'm slightly irritated that I've been underpaid this whole time and now I feel like I definitely need to leave. I've been trying to picture myself living back on the West Coast, and I admit, I'm a little nervous. Hey, thats what makes life exciting though...right?

Dream like you'll live forever

I finally got the on-site interview on Thursday with the online auction company based out of San Jose. They got me a hotel room, a rental car and they are paying for my flight. I asked them to extend my flight until Saturday so I can spend an extra day and a half hanging out in that area. A girl who used to be a really good friend lives there, but I don't think we will be friends anymore. Our conversations are lackluster and she doesn't seem concerned about me anymore. I've been thinking a lot about my current situation, and by moving away, I definitely lost a few friends. But, I also kept some and even made some new ones a long the way. I don't have any close friends in NYC right now, and I may not have any in Cali if I do end up moving back, but I'm starting to feel like this is supposed to be part of my journey. Maybe I'm supposed to learn how to rely on myself. I don't know. All I know is that I am not the same person I was a year ago before I moved to New York. I don't think I'll ever be that naive again.

La Familia

I've come to the conclusion that I have a fucked up family. I know we all do, but I've kind of not really realized just how bad things are. I got an early morning phone call from my mom and her latest status on her on again off again boyfriend. My mom is constantly hanging up on me and I find it difficult to have a conversation with her. Follow that up with a phone call from my dad and his dissertation on women and how he has never apologized to the women he's fucked over. I finally just told my dad today that I hoped that I never ever ended up with someone like him. To that, he laughed and said "I hope not either."

Subway stories and swollen ankles

"You are in Brooklyn".
Those words are a nightmare for the tourists. I was on a Brooklyn bound train this evening and watched a European couple frantically leaf through their Lonely Planet-NYC book. The were comparing the guidebook with the MTA subway map and clearly it wasn't matching up. They weren't speaking English but it was clear by their expressions that Brooklyn was not where they wanted to be. Finally, a native muttered those four words to them and they promptly exited the subway. Brooklyn is amazing, just today I started an I heart brooklyn group on flickr. But lets face it honey, people don't come all the way to the NYC to go to Brooklyn. It doesn't help that all the rappers with street cred come from Brooklyn, or that in every show revolving around NYC paints Brooklyn in a shady light. Turn off your tv!

Meanwhile...I left work early yesterday because I was feeling ill. I woke up today and my ankle was swollen and I could barely walk. While in Boston, I wore some shoes that cut into the back of my heel and apparently it got infected and swelled up my whole ankle. "The stars aligned for you to have bad luck" is what my doctor said today about it. I have had the strangest ailments since I've lived here--I'm not even going to get into the time the doctors thought I had herpes in my eyes (I didn't of course). But I blame my ailments on mass transit, and sharing my life with like 3 million people.

Emotional Detox

I saw a girl crying on the subway today. Black eyeliner was smeared all over her face. She covered her face as she began to cry again. It didn't matter, because you could still hear her sniffles. Everyone around her was trying not to notice. I couldn't take my eyes off her. I found myself hoping she was crying over a guy and not something more serious. You can't hide your shame on the subway.

I had a major breakthrough in therapy today. I feel as if I'm purging myself of all the emotional bullshit that has been clogging my mind for probably 20 years. At work I am constantly told by my bosses that I have really high expectations of myself and that has mostly to do with my dad making me feel like I'm not good enough. Of course that carries over to my relationships with men. In every relationship I have done so much and given so much of myself. In my situation with Chris I gave all of myself to him emotionally and physically. I did things with him physically that I've never done with anyone else and would never let anyone else do to me. Only to be dropped for a stupid girl. And I'm left feeling used. I've allowed this to happen countless times, all because I've never felt good enough. I think I need to use this time to really learn how to rely on myself. I'm used to making emotional deposits into other people but not myself. Its me time.

In terms of my career, I'm still not happy with the way things are going at my current job and I'm going to speak to my manager tomorrow about it. I don't feel like I'm moving forward at all and quite frankly, like no one cares about me. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, but don't they know who I am? I feel like I have to keep reminding myself of where I came from to keep myself sane.

P.S. this blog has been a therapeutic tool for me, so I apologize for its serious tone right now and that I'm not making you laugh. Unless you are laughing at my misery, which kinda makes you an asshole.

The Battle

I had made a personal promise to myself to not blog while depressed. After giving it some thought, I decided that I would be doing myself a disservice. This blog was created as a documentation of my experiences while living in New York and that includes all my activities, thoughts, feelings, and reflections on the entire experience. After returning from Boston, I thought I would feel some sense of happiness or some feeling of thank goodness I'm home. No such thing. I felt an immediate sense of oppression and just an overarching feeling of melancholy.

I realize that I'm depressed because I am usually pretty good at going to the gym, but I just can't bring myself to do anything that requires me to be outside my room right now. I now understand how depression just feeds the bad behavior. I also know that to get through that I have to force myself. It feels like a vicious cycle. I'm trying a different strategy, I brought my gym clothes to work and decided that I would try going to the gym afterwards so I wouldn't really feel like I'm leaving my house, I'd be leaving my work. I know it sounds stupid, but at this point I'm really trying to dig myself out of this abyss. I am so tired of feeling so sad and so unhappy all the time and I don't want to just go out and spend money because that will just make me go broke. I can't take a trip every weekend.

Its really hard to try to keep up the facade that I live in this great city but really I just want to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge. Okay, not funny. I'm trying though, I really am. I'm trying to do what I can to not feel this way anymore.

A weekend in Massachusetts

A weekend in Massachusetts is exactly what I needed. We got into Boston around midnight and went straight to bed (sleeping bags on the floor). On Saturday we didn't go to Maine, because it was a four hour trip, but instead went to Topsfield-a suburb of Boston. Jesse, the guy we were staying with has a mother who reads Tarot Cards. Naturally, on the cusp of a large life decision and so close to Salem, I thought I would go ahead and let her read mine. She revealed some very interesting things. She told me that I have a major shake up in my life coming. Its going to change everything for me, and its going to take a lot of hard work to rebuild my life after this shake up. She told me that I have to know that I have the tools and the ability to do "this". She also said it is key for me to have confidence in myself and to remind myself that I can do it. She said that it is a very positive thing and that it may be hard at first to see the silver lining but its there. She also said that I may feel comfortable in my current situation but that this change is necessary and it is career related. I told her that I was sort of on the brink of a major decision in my life about where to live and she said that she feels that whatever this is would happen regardless. I also asked a silent question which I didn't say out loud--"Will I get married?" Though, she didn't hear the question, she told me that the cards say "probably yes". The answer is most likely yes, but that I have a lot of internal stuff I have to work out right now. She said that right now its me time. It was a surprisingly emotional experience and though I don't normally believe in that kind of stuff, it seemed pretty right on.

After the reading, we went on a sailboat and sailed in Manchester-by-the-Sea a very exclusive area in Mass. It was amazing. Sailing is a lot of work and a lot of fun. After our sailing adventure, we had a bowl of clam chowder and fried clams. We went back to the house afterwards and went right to bed. Sailing is exhaustive! On Sunday, we had a late breakfast and went into the Quincy market and walked around the North End of Boston. We were only there for about an hour, and I didn't get to make out with a red-haired Irish boy. I'll get to that next time.

Weekend in Boston and Maine

Today a couple of girls and I are off to Boston via the Fungwah Bus. $15 each way, who can complain? So, we will get there around midnight and stay with a friend of a friend. Saturday we are heading over to Maine to go peach picking and going to some other friend of a friend's party. Sunday, we come back to Boston and eat fried clams until we board the Fungwah Bus back home. It should be a blast. I feel like I'm living the life of a jet-setting east coaster--actually its more like a bus-riding Brooklynite I guess.

So, the phone interview with the auction company based out of San Jose went well. So well in fact that they want me to interview in person, so they are going to fly me out to San Ho for a round of interviews. I'm still struggling with the East vs West living situation. San Ho is a bit suburban if I recall. Beautiful, but suburban. I've kind of gotten used to the city...but, I'm not one to pass up a great opportunity, so I'm being open-minded.

Heads or Tails

So its come to this. Every day I can't decide whether to stay or to leave NYC. It's quite annoying. I don't know if 1 year is enough to really feel its time to leave. My recruiter informed me today that I will be speaking to the SF office about the open position. On top of that, I have a phone interview with an online auction company based out of San Jose. Yes, that one. Yet, I hear that little voice inside that tells me that I should stay a little longer. Either way, I think my life will be fine. I don't think either of these decisions will make or break anything. Clearly, if there is a better opportunity in SF I think I should take it. But, I'm not completely sure that the transfer will be a better opportunity, it will be an even trade I think. My pay will stay the same as will my rank. In order to settle the indecisiveness I've decided to flip a coin. Heads I stay, Tails I go. I'll leave it completely to fate. I'm going to do the flip once I feel that the decision needs to be made. I'll let you know the results. Whatever will be will be.

Friday Night at the Whitney, and Obsessed Girls

Last night I decided to go to the Whitney for the "Pay as you wish night". I went with a meetup group. The main attraction was entitled the Psychedelic Era. I have to admit that I wasn't a fan. The lighting and the movies gave me a headache. I did however, enjoy some of the other work that I saw. Paul Cadmus's Sailors and Floozies, Louis Gugliemie's Terror in Brooklyn and Henry Koerner's Mirror of Life. My favorite was Edward Hopper's A Woman in the Sun. It was a painting of a nude woman smoking a cigarette and looking beyond. When I looked at it, I felt like I understood everything she was feeling. The vacancy in her eyes and the nakedness of her emotions. Afterwards, I met up with some of the other meetup people and we went to Dallas BBQ--wasn't a fan. But, I did have interesting conversation.

Now, onto girls obsessed with me. Let me take you back to the first year of grad school. I became friends with a Jersey girl. Because I didn't know anyone else, she seemed to really take to me. And after awhile, she really annoyed me. Much like the jewwannabe. Well, I started to sort of get the impression she was into me, even though she had a boyfriend. She had a history of being a lesbian and had lived with a girl in Hawaii. Long story short, I handled her the way I do with people I don't like. I stopped talking to her. And moved on with my life. Well, she didn't. She tried talking to me at school, and I wasn't interested. Then, after awhile she got the hint. After a few months, she posted a myspace blog basically talking about how much she missed me and cried every night because of our lost friendship. I laughed to myself. Today, I got an email from someone who knows her about her new myspace blog:

D" - I DELETED MY ENTRY ABOUT THIS B*TCH I HAD MET AND WAS CLOSE TO THE BEGINNING OF MY GRAD. SCHOOL YEAR. ANYWAYS, SHE STOPPED TALKING TO ME AND IT HAD HURT ME CAUSE I DIDNT KNOW WHAT I DID WRONG. UNTIL A YEAR LATER I HEARD VIA OLD PALS THAT SHE IN FACT "FELL" FOR ME AND THAT I DIDNT REACT TO HER FEELINGS, WELL DUH. TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT... I FOUND OUT THAT SHE WAS PASSING ON ALL MY PRIVATE INFO AND LIES TO ANYONE THAT LISTEND AND FRANKLY I HOPE TO NEVER HEAR FROM HER AGAIN.

Let me remind you that this all happened like 2 years ago. This blog was posted recently. Not only that, I would never ever have been interested in her for two reasons: I'm not into girls, and if I was, I wouldn't be into her. And, anyone who knows me knows that I don't spread lies, nor did I ever talk to anyone in that program--they were all fuckups. Anything I have to say, I'd say to your face. The only reason I didn't say anything to her is because what do you say to someone you don't like. "Sorry, its not going to work out". It's awkward. So go ahead honey, blame me for your problems and unhappiness. I'm used to it. People are so fucking weird. Its hard being the D sometimes...girls fall in love. I'm really tempted to send her the link to this blog. So all her questions will be answered. What a cunt.

How am I supposed to be positive when I don't see shit positive

No truer words have been spoken. Thank you Eminem. I had the urge yesterday to run into a field and scream until I couldn't scream anymore. I realize that its absurd that I can be so unhappy. To tell you the truth, I'm not really sure why I'm so unhappy. The architecture of my life is great. I have a career and I live in one of the most amazing cities in the world. Yet, I'm not happy. Not at all. In fact I'm frustrated and completely alone. I know there are others out there who have so much to truly be unhappy about, and I realize that my whining doesn't change anything except piss the few readers I have off. Something has to change, or maybe I do.

New York is Taxi Free!

For the first time ever, I think I heard the birds chirping on Park Avenue. The streets were fairly empty and for a second I forgot I lived in New York. Until I had to sidestep some dog poo. No noisy taxis honking their damned horns at pedestrians, and no crazy drivers trying to run me over. It's heavenly outside. I can count how many times I've taken a taxi on one hand, so I don't care if they are on strike. Take mass transit or walk. I also think its stupid that they are going on strike over GPS and installing credit card machines. Every other major city has credit card fueled taxis, so lets step it up.

So, I had my first phone interview since I've been employed yesterday. Yesterday's hits and today's favorites was playing in the background because I couldn't find a quiet place to conduct the interview. Let's just say I don't think it went well. He asked me some really detailed questions about my role as an ID. I was sort of taken off guard. He also seemed slightly disinterested in me near the end of the interview. So, I chalked it up to a loss. I had assumed the interview was a result of that girl passing my resume to her recruiter, but after a brief thank you email, she emailed me back saying she didn't pass my resume through. That bitch. So, it looks like I got the interview on my own. Quite frankly, I realized that I was a bit out of my league anyways. It was my dream job at my dream company, but I'm sure in a couple of more years I'll be ready. So, after the interview, I emailed my recruiter to find out about the SF position. She told me that she "made contact" and asked for an updated resume. Hopefully it won't be long til I'm out this bitch.

The LES

I decided that I didn't want to stay at home on Labor Day, so I gave Fifi a ring. We had ice cream at the Brooklyn Ice Cream Factory, the best ice cream in New York. Afterwards we walked over the Brooklyn Bridge. From there we took a short break and walked over to the Lower Eastside. The LES is everything you'd expect from New York City. The smell of Dominican food wafted through the air. Trendy bars and graffitied walls shared the same space. There was Spanish music playing and there was Puerto Ricans and Dominicans hanging outside amongst the hipsters and lesbians. It was so overwhelming. It was the New York of my imagination. After walking forever, we found a Dominican restaurant and had a really awesome meal. I was exhausted by the time I got home. Ah New York, you still amaze me.

The list

Today I took a stroll down to Barnes and Noble in Union Square. Slightly embarrassed, I picked up the "He's Just Not That Into You" book. B has recommended this book to me before, but I had always declined because I felt that I can tell when men aren't into me. In light of the recent situation with Chris, I realized that I couldn't be more wrong. I took the book into a secluded area and sat on the floor and read through it. I was delighted to see that the book is completely inline with my new philosophy on dating and men. I loved it. B, you were so right! I saw all the issues I had been facing with men and all the stupid excuses I had made for them. I marched out of that bookstore absolutely ecstatic.

Every time I've been hurt I've always dealt with it by crying and questioning myself and what I did wrong. As a result of the whole Chris mess I see everything differently. I don't regret too much I've done in my life. But, I do take responsibility for things when I know I was at fault. I'm guilty of doing everything I can to please a man, even when its clear they aren't doing a thing to please me. I realize now that none of the guys that I loved ever loved me. No one has ever stepped up to the plate for me or done anything for me at all. I understand now that deep down inside I didn't think I was worth stepping up for. But that has all changed. I do think I'm worth something now and I'm not going to let anyone treat me with anything less than what I want. I refuse to be the person who gets hurt over and over. I think its the first step toward understanding myself and relationships.

So, I'm publicly listing my new standards for dating men, as the book suggests:

1. I will only date men who are professionals or have at least the same amount of education as me


2. As soon as I feel that someone I am dating is not working to keep the relationship alive, I will let it go and move on


3. I will not stay in a situation that doesn't make me happy


4. I will not try to convince a guy of my worth, if he doesn't see it that is his problem not mine

P.S. Shawn, you have to read that book. It seems so stupid, but its right on. I think you can benefit enormously from it.

Friday Night

After work last night, I talked to one of my most recently married friends and she told me that her and her husband are trying to have a baby. I seriously think I am going to be everyone's single friend. How the fuck did that happen? It sucks because it seems like some people meet someone and then its all over, they get married they have kids and their life is set. Then there's me. Constantly getting scumbagged. Constantly single. At least my eharmony matches are getting better. The guys are still short--5'9ish, but better looking and a bit more interesting. But, I might have shared with you my new philosophy--I'm not doing a fucking thing for any guy anymore. So this includes the eharmony set as well. I'm not contacting anyone. If they want me they can come get me.

Anyhow,last night I met with a girl who is also from my hometown, but like me she left and now lives in Brooklyn. We went to the Upright Citizens Brigade, an improv/sketch comedy space. It was really funny and for only $8. I think I may go to MOMA or the Guggenheim today (alone). That's okay though museuems alone are fine.

P.S. One of the girls I was with last night saw Big from SATC in Soho. She said she spotted him and he made eye contact with her. She also said he's really good looking and doesn't look quite as thrashed as he appears on TV lately. So lucky. I want to lock eyes with Big.